An interesting visit

   I have so many doctors visits with my oncologist and urologist that I seldom see my primary care physician.

A few days ago however, I had an appointment with him to do a routine skin cancer screening. I've had a lot of sunburns in my life and realizing this I feel I just can't be too careful when it comes to my skin. Everything was fine. Yes I have a lot of freckles and a few moles but none of them were suspect for a melanoma diagnosis. 

   My primary care physician initially diagnosed me with prostate cancer. It wasn't a very difficult diagnosis as my PSA was well over 3000. At the time of diagnosis I remember him telling me that he was scared for me. Now almost 10 years later we were able to reflect back to that day and what his initial opinions regarding prognosis were. We discussed my journey and my attitude. Towards the end of my appointment we discussed the future and he surprised me with his unscientific opinions.

   With my PSA hovering at undetectable levels my PCP made the bold statement that he felt my cancer may never come back. Wouldn't that be swell Wally?? I took it with a grain of salt and nodded but he wasn't finished. He went on to say that if I thought about how sick I was and how well I am doing now and also how long I have been doing this well, then one might conclude that the combination of Provenge+Zytiga might, in my case, be the magic "one. two" punch that put this disease into a permanent remission!

That is a wonderful thought. I truly could take that and run with it. Why not? What harm could a little faith and hope have? Ask the rats!

  In an experiment scientists put six rats into an aquarium put a lid on it and filled it with water. Within 5 minutes, every rat had drowned. This was the control arm of the study. They should have used lawyers or politicians. For the experimental arm, they did exactly the same thing but when the rats began to struggle, they took them out, dried them, and fed them. The next day, they put the rats back in the aquarium. This time, after 15 minutes, they were all still swimming away. Hope is a powerful weapon. Faith, though slightly more elusive, is even more so. Love, is the most powerful. Not love of others but love of self. Often, people believe they deserve affliction. It makes us all too willing to accept a poor prognosis. "Somehow we did something to deserve this because we are bad people!!" It's not true. Not even close.

   Love yourself first. Believe you can overcome. Hope for the future!

This is what 10 years at stage 4 can look like!

GMO

  I have never really been much of a researcher. Frankly I don't have the time. Working 60 hours a week and playing in a country rock band barely affords me enough time to write. I choose to ask the questions. Questions are easy. Anybody can ask questions. The problem comes with knowing which questions to ask. Asking some questions can get you in trouble. Asking questions to the wrong person can really get you in trouble.

  I've always heard the old saying that "you are what you eat" as well as others such as garbage in garbage out etc. so here I am asking the question. If we eat genetically modified foods and cancer is a genetic mutation of our cells, then is it possible that 2+2 = 4 where GMO's are concerned?

   I don't pretend to know anything about GMO's. The principle seems easy enough. Splice the gene of a common bacteria to a seed and you produce a plant that will not be affected by round up. They say round up is safe. I am not so sure. It kills stuff so how safe can it be.

   This is my problem. The bible says not to kill. It gives no specific as to what not to kill. The human race is consumed by what we can do. In fact we are so consumed by what we can do that we fail  to ask the question... Should we do it? We as a species spend a great deal of time playing god but we are not as smart as we think we are. God actually knew what he was doing right up until he put us in charge. I digress. 

   Everything on earth serves a purpose. I use wild rivers as example. Prior to the industrial revolution most rivers of the world ran wild. Cheap hydro power led to

the construction of dams turning wild rivers into tame reservoirs. Spawning salmon could no longer access spawning grounds. We humans, obsessed with a god complex, built hatcheries, ensuring salmon runs year after year. The problem with this theory is that prior to dams, only the strongest of salmon could navigate the water falls and rapids of a wild river ensuring the strength of following runs. In a modern hatchery all fish reproduce. There is no culling of the herd. The fish runs suffer.

   Another example antibacterial hand soap that kills 99.9% of germs and antibiotics. If you kill 99.9% then the .01% that survive get stronger. Much like the salmon of yesteryear, only the strongest survive. Meanwhile, our immune system grows weaker as it faces less bacteria. 

  It is common knowledge that the world is seeing antibiotic resistant germs at an alarming rate. Super bacteria are also making a name for themselves.  What about weeds?

   In America, farmers are seeing an alarming trend. Monsanto, in an attempt to play God and increase yields, has created round up resistant weeds. Farm yields are shrinking and farmers are wondering what to do about it. Fear not America, Dow chemical is coming to the rescue with their own GMO seeds. Dow has created the 2,4,D resistant seed. They claim that 2,4,D has been used safely for years. It has! It is a trusted herbicide. At least that is what they say! My problem with 2,4,D is this.If you mix 2 herbicides, 2,4,D and 2,4,5T, you get another herbicide. Agent orange!! Vietnam veterans know all too well the health hazards of this widely used Vietnam era poison. Now we are going to be spraying half of it on our food. Maybe we will only be subjected to half of the cancers our veterans have been dealing with.

   Bacteria have adapted. Viruses have adapted. Weeds are adapting. Bees are dying. Cancer is epidemic. Chemical companies spend millions to fight GMO labelling legislation. How long will we allow our food to be poisoned. 

   My wife and I try to eat organic when possible. It is expensive. It's not easy. I don't even know if it is beneficial but I do know it doesn't hurt. I only hope my next dinner does not include agent orange corn

   

  

   

If you like your insurance, Sucks to be you!!!

    Once again our illustrious government has sold us a load of crap. I remember 7 years ago Obama telling us " If we like our insurance we could keep it." He must have been referring to the voting members of congress and not the people he was elected to represent. 

   My insurance wasn't perfect. Like all things it had it's limitations. It was next to impossible to see a doctor outside of network and none of the major cancer centers took Kaiser insurance but it was cost effective and cancer drugs were free. To see a doctor I paid a $25 copay. A prescription was $20 for generic and $40 for name brand. My labs were $10 and my Lupron was $5. Zytiga was free. Provenge was free. Infusions were $25. My monthly share of premiums was $150.00. It was cheap to have cancer at Kaiser.  Enter the affordable care act.

   The company I work for, like most employers across the country, has used the Cadillac tax penalty to strip our benefits. Even though the penalty has been rolled back and may never come to fruition it did what it was intended to do. It stripped benefits away from the working man and gave us the same benefits as those that ride the government dime.

   The cost of my premiums actually dropped by 50%. All I can say about that is " Good ain't cheap and cheap ain't good!" To be fair, I can't complain. I know a lot of people who are worse off than we are but the new insurance plan that began January 1st has created a small financial crisis for us.

  Our new insurance is a high deductible, HSA, 80/20 insurance plan. As of the first of the year we had to come up with a $1500 deductible and after that our share is 20% until we reach our max out of pocket of $3000 per calendar year. We will max out on Thursday when I receive a Zometa infusion. I guess we will put it on a credit card.

  We can afford my healthcare. We make a good living. That's not the point. We work hard for the lifestyle we have grown accustomed to. Why is there always some politician wanting to play Robinhood and give to others what we work for. I know people who live together but the dude has his legal address at his moms house. They receive welfare, food stamps, subsidized housing, subsidized utilities, free insurance, free cell phone, free internet, etc. etc. etc. There is nothing wrong with these people other than chronic laziness. Why are we forced to give what we work for to others. 

  Government safety nets are a good thing. There are people that need them. There also people who take advantage of them. These people are content to sit on their ass and smoke government weed while playing their government Xbox all day expecting the rest of us to subsidize their existence. I use to know a woman who was receiving social security disability. She had hurt her back while working as a C.N.A. Apparently she was disabled for life. I would see her in her front yard digging a 4 foot deep hole and lifting 40lb  boulders while building a koi pond. Meanwhile my grandmother couldn't get a cost of living raise because the price dropped on piece of crap, made in China, flatscreen TVs.

   I guess today my blog is a rant. I'm fed up. I'm tired of being expected to do more for less while other people sit on their lazy ass. I'm tired of corporations taking away. I'm tired of the government taking away. I'm tired. I'm just tired. It is Sunday. Tomorrow I will get up, put on my boots, pack a lunch, and go to work. It's the same thing I have done every day since I was 16 years old. We make a good living. I wonder if our generation will be the last to enjoy the family wage job. I feel sorry for our children. I fear for my grandchildren.

   

  

Rule #1 Get informed

   The Doctor just told you that your biopsy results came back positive. You have Prostate Cancer. Now you have to ask yourself, What does that mean?

  I was told by more than a few people after diagnosis that "at least I got the good cancer". The good cancer??? Wth.

   Okay, in some cases they might be right. Although I don't believe any cancer is "Good Cancer,"Looking back, I would much rather have this diagnosis than a diagnosis of lung cancer or colon cancer. 

   Prostate cancer is a different animal. It really seems as though no two cases are the same. For this reason there is a lot of controversy about treating the disease or if even the disease should be treated at all.  There are so many different facets that must be considered before choosing a treatment plan that getting informed is the first rule to follow when formulating any treatment plan.

  Like most men, I learned most of what I know on the fly. I really had no choice. If I were a woman diagnosed with breast cancer there would've been a clear roadmap regarding prognosis and treatment. This is because women in general tend to be more proactive and vocal about breast cancer. 

   In the 10 years since my diagnosis there have been many advances in the treatment of prostate cancer. The roadmap I followed on my journey might look quite different today. Changes in the American healthcare system present their own unique obstacles to navigate. These changes have made self-advocation all the more pertinent in cancer diagnosis and treatment. You cannot arm yourself with enough information. 

   Currently there is a general consensus that screening for prostate cancer should not be done. This adds more confusion to the mix. 

   In the small pond where I swim I am a big fish. Needless to say it is a small pond. Small or not I have met 3 men in the last couple weeks who were recently diagnosed stage 4 PCa. That really is the problem with not screening for prostate cancer. More men will be diagnosed late stage. In many ways I feel it is a step backwards. I do get it though, too many men over react to the word cancer and men who might never have to worry about their prostate cancer are having a prostates ripped out and putting up with terrible side effects that might never have been necessary.

   The bottom line is this. Educate yourself. Learn everything you can about treatments and side effects. Find the best surgeons find the best oncologist find the best urologists and formulate a plan. Science is turned prostate cancer into a chronic disease but there still men dying. 

Zytiga month29

   Today I begin month 29 since starting Zytiga or is it month number 30. I can't remember and honestly, I am too lazy to

try and find out. It has been a good long time though. According to my latest PSA I am still undetectable. 

   Today I learned of a former co-worker diagnosed stage 4 PCA. I do not as yet have any specific details regarding his Gleason score or his PSA at the time of diagnosis. All I really know is that he has bone metastasis. It is my understanding that he is not taking the diagnosis well. I understand where he's coming from right now and I hope that later he will reach out to me or to someone else who can help him navigate through treatment decisions. 

   I know I've said this before but I didn't do too well at the time of my diagnosis either. I had just started the journey through apprenticeship to become a journeyman pipefitter. At the time of diagnosis I really didn't think I would live long enough to become a journeyman. I didn't think I would live to see my 50th birthday. I didn't think I'd ever have grandchildren. In all honesty I spent a little bit of time feeling sorry for myself.

Mandy drug me out of the pit of despair. If not for her I might have stayed there.

   Zytiga has been an amazing drug so far. I am still on Lupron so I cannot give an accurate description of side effects.

I don't know if it is customary to continue Lupron with Zytiga but it seems to be working. The only 2 side effects I can talk about that seem to be enhanced over Lupron are severe bruising and diminished memory. Truth is, I can't remember a friggin thing. I have also lost a degree of sensation in my arms and hands. Other than the aforementioned I have not noticed any other side effects.

   The bruising is probably the worst. At any given time I will have at least one softball sized bruise on my body. We recently returned from a snowmobile trip in bend Oregon and I had a half dozen large bruises on my legs and torso. They are not painful. They don't really bother me. They are not real attractive. Any time I bump an elbow or knee or trip and fall I can count on seeing a bruise the next day.

   Memory problems are another issue. The funny thing is I don't know if it's a side effect of Zytiga or getting old. At times my mind is Lucid and then other times I forget everything. It can be frustrating. I have learned to clear my thoughts and allow it to come back. It usually takes only a minute or so. In my hind a picture a computer screen and a header that reads, "Todds brain not responding" 

   Lastly, I am losing sensation in my arms and hands. I drop stuff all the time. Is it a side effect of Zytiga or nerve problems resulting from a smaller bone mass? Either way it is a side effect of Prostate cancer. Losing bone mass concerns me. I was side hilling my sled in Bend and had a severe wipe out. I landed on my head and shoulder and felt everything crunch. I am afraid one day that will happen and I will no longer be able to

move my arms or legs.

   Overall life is good. Mandy and I are celebrating 10 years since meeting this year. I am thrilled that Zyriga has been working as well as it has. Janssen has a first rate product in Zytiga. I do believe that earlier Provenge usage is helping the Zytiga. 

   I am closing in on the 10 year mark since my diagnosis of stage 4 Prostate Cancer. Ten years. I really am blessed. It's funny. It doesn't seem that long ago. I guess I better not blink. I don't want to miss anything along the way.

  

A new year a renewed resolve.

   2015 is in the rear view mirror. May it rest in peace. I will miss it. It held much joy. It also had its fair share of heartache. I also lost my dad.

   Yesterday, I was able to open an email account that had been locked up for well over a year. Upon opening it, I found emails from friends that did not make it to  2016. Those emails had never been opened. I had never replied. I found lost opportunities to interview people for my blog. Again, no reply. I also found emails from people who had read my blog and had it touch their life. I never replied to those emails as well. 

   As I read the list of lost emails, replying to as many as time would allow, it occurred to me that during the year 2015 I basically checked out. I don't believe I posted to my blog more than a dozen times over the course of the last year. There are a ton of excuses. I started a new job, I was on strike, my dad passed away, but there's always an excuse. There is always a reason not to do something. The truth is that I had grown complacent. I ran out of things to write about that concerned me. I was comfortable living in false sense of undetectable P.S.A. security. I feel like a dick. I could have been writing about things that affect other people. I could have been just a tad bit less self absorbed. 

   I hope that this is a first step in the right direction. 2016 is here and each day is a blank piece of paper. Each day is filled with possibility. 

   

Sadness

Once again, it has been a long time since I have had motivation to write. Today my blog is therapy. 

   When I was in fifth grade I picked a fight with a bigger kid. I thought I was tough but I was just a scrawny, mouthy, little brat. I took several shots to the face before I realized I had made a huge mistake.  The kid I picked a fight with was a head taller, had a longer reach and outweighed me by 30 pounds. I, being the quick thinker that I am opted for diplomacy and backed away. I took two steps back and felt a sting across my behind. I turned to see my dad standing there, belt in hand, telling me to get in there and fight. I endured an ass kicking I would never forget. I was humiliated beyond words but I learned a lesson that has lasted a lifetime. It is my dads words that carried me through the battle I have fought for the last nine plus years. It is my dads words that I repeated back to him as he faced his own battle just a few short months ago. "Get in there and fight" You gotta fight dad. 

  Dad did not pick a fight but he was facing a bully that was far bigger and badder than anything he had ever faced and he did not have a chance at winning.

He was beaten before his battle began. 

   I always felt I was a disappointment in my dads eyes. Mom always said Dad did not want to bring me home. When I was born my leg was hung up on a rib and I had to be pulled out with forceps. I was purple and bruised and my head was deformed. Mom always said I was the original cone head. I was scrawny and had severe adhd. My first year in school I was diagnosed with peditmal epilepsy. It seemed I was the problem child fresh out the gate.

   My dad was a 6' 1" 225lb line backer in HighSchool and played varsity basketball as well. I topped out at a meager 5'7". My freshman year I had yet to break the

5' barrier and I barely weighed 100lbs. Saying athletics were not my forte' was a huge understatement. I was the runt of the litter. All through my freshman year I endured beating after beating until one day I had had enough. 

   During a week of in house suspension for a fight I had not picked there was a knock at the door. It was some other upper classman and his buddies. I was being told through the door that I was going to get my ass kicked after school. I had had enough. I told the kid to meet me off of school property. I made him wish he hadn't. I am often reminded of the Kenny Rogers song, "Coward of the

County" I beat the kid beyond recognition. I week later I was confronted by a jock in the locker room. Without thinking I turned and landed five or six punches to his face before he even knew what hit him. That was the last fight anyone ever picked with me. I would have 2 more fist fights after high school. In both of them I faced bigger men who had e couple beers and we're looking for a smaller person to beat on. The first spent the next six months with his jaw wired together. The second spent the night in the emergency room withe a fractured cheek bone and a broken nose. I would have felt bad had he not been hitting a girl before I interjected. I still feel a little guilty for ramming his face into a trailer hitch but he had it coming. I had been served divorce papers earlier that day and he picked a fight with the wrong guy.

   I never thought about fighting cancer, I just fought. I was convinced in many ways I would take the fight a full 15 rounds. I believe God was standing in my corner. I was like Rocky facing Apollo Ceeed and I had Mick yelling in my face to get in there and fight.

   Dad passed 3 weeks ago. At the end, he weighed 150 lbs. He was no longer lucid. He couldn't speak. The truth is, he was gone weeks before. One evening before he went away, I layed on his bed and told him he was my hero. I told him how proud I was to be his son. I told him how much I loved him. It was just the 2 of us. 3 weeks later he was gone. I miss him. I miss him wanting to talk politics every time I saw him. I miss playing music with him. We will never go fishing or hunting again. We will never again share a stage together.

   Dad is gone. I will do my best to carry his spirit with me and to bring honor to his name. Today I am smoking salmon. It was always dad who smoked the salmon for Christmas Eve. I brought home his smoker last night and brined the last fish he ever caught. Tears are falling and I am smiling. I love you dad. I miss you. I will always be proud of who I am because you made me this way. I am sorry for the times I know I let you down but I am still standing. Thank you for all you did for me. Thank you for teaching me to stand strong and not back down. Rest in peace. Forever love, your son, Todd

Left to right:

My best friend and best man Tony, My brother and best friend, Jason. I am in the middle. My hero, my friend, and my father, Jay. My best friend and high school buddy Larry. Bairdcreek Rockin' Country.