Getting it right!

   I have been peeling the metaphorical onion the last few days. Discovering truth is a painful process. Publishing the filleted pieces of my life is even harder. 

   I have 2 daughters whom adore me. I have 2 sons as well. One adopted and one from out of wedlock born to my high school sweetheart. My relationship with both is sub-par. My adopted son rarely speaks to me. My biological son does not share my name and our communication is limited. His wife does not like us. Sleep was difficult last night as layer after painful layer of the truth was peeled away. 

   People who have met me over the last 10+ years, think pretty highly of me. I am well liked within my social circles. A lot of the reason for that is due to the profound effect this diagnosis has had on my heart. I am a better man, a better husband, and a better father. I am also a better grandpa.

   I haven't always been this way. Two divorces had left me bitter and angry. I will never understand why people who had promised each other forever and loved each other do their best to hurt one another when it all unravels. 

   We go through life in anticipation of tomorrow. Tomorrow is not a promise. To echo a previous post, we only have today. 

   

Christmas Time

   I love Christmas. I always have. I love giving of myself. Mandy does as well. Last Christmas was one of sadness. Dad had passed away just a few short weeks prior. Mom was devastated. We all were. I think about last Christmas quite a bit. Having cancer brings a greater appreciation for every day but especially those special days spent with family and loved ones. This year will be the first Christmas in a long time that most of my family will be home and will be spending it at our home. I am so excited. We see two of our granddaughters quite regularly but we have not been able to spend more than a few days in the last few years with our other three granddaughters. This year I thought they will be spending Christmas Eve with us. 

    I have done so well in my fight with cancer that my kids have a hard time seeing me as a cancer patient. I'm healthy, I'm out going, and I seldom talk about this disease with them. Sometimes I even forget that I have cancer.

    I wasted a lot of years and my kids were younger. Those who have journeyed through my blog in its entirety know that I made a mess out of my life. Cancer, among other things, changed hat. It helped me to realize what was important. It helped to make me a better husband, father, grandfather, and friend sometimes I wonder if things would be different had I not have gotten sick. Would I be the person that I am today? I counted as another blessing having this disease has bestowed upon me.  never have this gift. They live their lives thinking that everything is great and then one day it ends. Cancer gave me 10 1/2 years and counting to get it right. I'm not there yet! I still have a long way to go. My son spends a lot of time living in the past. I often wonder if I will ever get through to him that the past can't be changed. We have today. That's all that we have. 

   My son and granddaughters again did not make it up to our home. Their gifts are still wrapped and under the tree. Each year it is the same. Sometimes Christmas can be a real bummer

The Path

A chill surrounds I am warm

Embers burning 

Warming

They follow 

Earth, cool beneath me 

The air is still

Clear sky blue

my mind

Days behind and before numbered

Joy pain sorrow regrets

Here there is peace

I will stay

Tomorrow unpromised

Yesterday gone

Today is all we have

Live

The path calls 

Whispers gently 

My name

I must go

It's not enough

    I turned 53 yesterday. The day before that I shaved off my snow white Movember beard. It was good to see my face again. It may not be the best looking face in the world but it sure beats the Papa Smurf look I have been sporting for a month. 

   I know how blessed I am. Each day is a gift and I have enjoyed many more of them than the medical community every thought I would. A man who has been on Lupron and other androgen deprivation therapies should not be able to function in the bedroom but I can. Sometimes, even without prescription assistance. 

It's still not enough!!

   Mandy is no different than any other woman. She wants to be wanted. She wants to know the man she love desires her. She tires of the role of initiator! Mostly she is disappointed, frustrated, and hurt! It's a good thing she is still in love with me. 

   I love my wife. I adore her!! To me, there is no other in this world who could complete me the way that she does. She and my children are the reason I live but she comes before all others. When she is happy her eyes can light the darkest night. The best part of any day is seeing her smile. 

  Lately I see that smile less and less. Often when I look in her eyes I see only hurt. Resentment surely cannot be far behind. It's not enough that I have the ability to make love with my wife if I never make it a priority. How can I make something I rarely think about a priority? 

   Mandy and I share a love that is rare in this day and age. She is my best friend. No matter how angry we get (it doesn't happen very often) with each other, we both know there is nowhere else we would rather be.  Love songs are written about the emotions we feel for each other. Love stories are about us. Wouldn't it be wonderful if I could demonstrate the love I feel in my heart for her with the passionate hunger she needs to validate that same love she feels for me.

   Prostate cancer is a thief. It steals from both Husband and Wife but it is the Wife who pays the price. She is the one left to feel empty and abandoned. Love truly is wasted on the young.  Each day I pray for a cure for Prostate cancer. I pray not for myself but for the sweet girl who has paid the price of my disease. Prostate cancer has changed my life and in many ways I am a better man because of it but the blessings will never overcome the sadness I see in the eyes of the woman I love.

   

Holidays in the abstract

  Thanksgiving is tomorrow. I have so much to be thankful for. It is 10:00 pm Mandy is asleep on the couch. Michaela is watching her favorite show. Every 10 minutes or so the show breaks for commercials announcing Black Friday deals. They use to open the stores at 5:00 a.m. on Friday. This year they are opening the doors at J.C. Penney at 1:00 p.m. Thanksgiving day. Macy's follows at 5:00 p.m. Really!!! We are suppose to be celebrating a day of thankfulness with our families and corporate America  is asking us to sell our time with our families to save a few fucking dollars. I am filled with disgust. 

   I am terminal but I am lucky. I know what is important in life. When will enough be enough. When will we stop buying into these lies. Is a few hundred dollars really so important that we sacrifice precious time with the ones we love. 

  Mandy and I have participated in Black Friday 2 times in the last 12 years. The first time was prior to our first anniversary. After staying awake until 1 in the morning we woke up at 4 to make it to the mall before 5:00. It was a miserable day. The second time was a few years ago when Black Friday began at midnight. It was another miserable night and the following day wasn't much better.

   Tomorrow we will sleep in. We will have breakfast as a family. We will prepare dinner together. We will share a feast together. We will enjoy our time together. We will put up Christmas lights over the weekend and prepare for our annual Christmas vacation. We will be together and we will not be fighting crowds at the mall. I feel sorry for those who still see themselves as immortal. They are missing so much.

We get to eat this year

 

   Before I begin, I must apologize for not writing in almost a month. I actually started to write several times but the blogger app on my phone would not work. Tonight I upgraded to a new app  so hopefully I will be writing a little more consistently.

  Elk season 2016 was a huge success. Not only did I get to hunt with my daughter for the first time but I also got an elk.

 

     Mandy was a vegetarian when I met her. 

I have always been more of a meat and potatoes kind of guy. The reason for her animosity toward meat was her disgust at the treatment of animals on factory farms. We found a compromise in eating wild game. In our home, vegetarian is "Native American" for Bad Hunter. This year we have meat.

   I love eating wild game and wild caught fish. Elk meat has no antibiotics and no growth hormones. It is lean and is a lot better for your health than USDA approved beef or pork. 

    So far so good on the cancer front. My blood work is due soon and I will share the results when the labs come back. 

   Thank all of you for reading my blog. I am honored. Todd

My First support group meeting

  Living in a small town has many benefits but also some drawbacks. For instance, there is no such thing as date night without a trip to the supermarket. Sometimes I relate to the mountman. "Heading into town for supplies!" It's not that extreme but each trip to town has to be a multi function event. Another drawback is the lack of human support when dealing with a cancer diagnosis. There is no such thing as a prostate cancer support group in Toutle. I believe the closest support group to me is in Olympia sum 75 miles away.
  Tuesday last, I made the 100 mile trek to Tacoma to attend an "Us Too Prostate Cancer Support Group". I was invited to the meeting to share my experience with Provenge. I arrived half an hour early and was able to listen in on the conversations. I am envious of all who are able to attend support group meetings. What a blessing it must be. I was only able to attend 20 minutes of the open discussion time but that's all it took to see the value of support group attendance. People who live in the city are lucky. Well, they are lucky except for the crowds, the traffic, the noise, and all the other stuff that comes with urban life.

  After the open discussion I shared my cancer story as well as my experience with Provenge. I ended by singing "I won't back down" by Tom Petty. I got home at close to 11:00 pm. Although I will not be making the 2 hour drive to attend another meeting, I would encourage every man with this disease to attend a support group if they can.