Y.O.L.O>

Tuesday, August 27, 2013

Yesterday I wrote about slamming into the lake bank. The photo to the right was taken about a third of the way into the return trip. I made contact with earth just below the trees at the center of the photo where the lake bank is almost a perfect vertical. I know the answer is no but I can't stop asking if I will ever grow up. : ) I wonder how fast I was traveling at the point of impact. Y.O.L.O. 



An hour after slamming into the wall, still in a lot of pain, but knowing I will only have a couple more days to ski before winterizing the boat, my daughter took the picture to the left. I love to water ski. To be honest, I was really good at it when I was 16 years old. I had considered joining the pro circuit before my coach fell through the ice and drowned. I considered doing a lot of things when I was 16. I didn't do many of them. I will be 50 soon.



The water is warm for Riffe lake but here in the middle of August it has still only reached 68 degrees. In the winter the reservoir is drained to minimum levels to make room for the massive amount melting snow that will pour down the mountains in the spring and continue throughout the summer. Upstream the glacial waters are still an eerie shade of whitish green. Though the water is not warm by any means, it is warm enough to leave my wetsuit in the boat. My ski, ( a Jobe Spectra, custom fit to me ), feels like a favorite pair of shoes on my feet. It's an antique by today's standards but it's the only ski I will ever ski on. To me it's an old friend. Mandy is really getting good at driving the boat. She always finds the flat water. The sun is slowly setting. The wind has died. Sunlight dances on the water. The tow rope comes tight...... I use to ski with a half boot on my back foot. This allowed me to stand in the shallows with my ski out of the water and 20 feet of rope coiled in my hand. I would signal the boat to go and when the rope came tight I would just step onto the ski  without ever getting wet. The idea of not having to get into this cold water is appealing but there is no substitute for the control a full boot on my back foot.    .... HIT IT!!!!  The V-6 engine and Volvo out-drive come to life. I have lost 15 pounds this summer and it shows. The acceleration shoots me out of the water. Mandy brings the boat to 32 miles per hour and holds it in a perfect straight line. She really is getting good at this. I don't feel 50. I feel no different then I did when I was a  cocky 16 year old showing off and out-skiing everyone on the lake. I turn to my left  round the first buoy and cut hard to my right accelerate across the wake set up and cut hard around buoy #2. Eight buoy's, eight perfect cuts. Thirty-two miles per hour on a 58 foot rope. After that I ski another 20 minutes freestyle before reluctantly letting go of the rope. I wish I could ski more but I am tired.

Today has been a perfect day on the water. It is now time for smores and after that .....tequila!!!


That is how we spent last weekend. It was so much fun. It could have been better had my persistent cough not been driving everyone nuts. I slept in the truck one night so everyone else could sleep. As it turns out, I have pneumonia and bronchitis and after a couple days on the antibiotics and two good nights sleep I feel fantastic. I can now celebrate my low P.S.A. numbers without the underlying fear that the lung metastasis is getting worse. With the exception of the Pneumonia, my chest X-ray looked great.

    If you have been diagnosed with cancer and you are afraid, I get it. I am afraid sometimes too. You have to remember that a diagnosis of  cancer is not a death sentence anymore. Even if the cancer is
 " TERMINAL " (like mine is) there is so much life out there to be lived. Go out and choke the living shit out of every day. When it comes to cancer there is one thing to always remember.
      THERE IS HOPE!!! Todd

Im so much older than 20

I love the mtv show ridiculous. At the age of 49 I should be smarter then the people on that show but I guess I am not. I wrote about the rope swing at Riffe lake in the letting go post. Saturday I should have let go.  I misjudged my distance and was not sure I would swing out far enough to hit the deep water so I held on for the return trip. Mistake.....big mistake..... huge!!!
I slammed into the side of the cliff full speed...chest first....and bounced down the bank to the shoreline. The segment "mansquirrel comes to mind.

Once again there were no video cameras. My daughter and her friend were too busy laughing and sweet wife was having a bought of tourhetres syndrome as she swatted a small swarm of overly curious honeybees that were convinced she needed pollinated. I was wearing a wet suit and a life jacket so I consider myself lucky not to have crushed my chest.. I still think I have some cracked ribs.
   I am at the doctors office this morning. My cough has worsened and I now have a fever of 100.5 average. I saw the chest xray. God I hope it is only pneumonia. The slides were kind of blotchy.
    My daughter says....
Y.O.L.O. ( you only live once)  I think it is true but be prepared for a little pain when you play like a teen.
The nurse just did my vital's. He was impressed. I sure get tired of seeing the Doctor.
    I will try to post some pics from the weekend later today. Y.O.L.O. Todd

Blessings and Tragedy

I have not written in over a week. The time passed quickly. It was a week of blessings and tragedy. It started with the arrival of our friends/family (Tony and I were separated at birth) from Las Vegas. We had an amazing weekend with them that made the prior two weeks spent painting and donning the guest room with new linens and curtains completely worthwhile. Now it is no longer considered the guest room but is now Tony and Ruthies Room. Looking back on the weekend it is amazing to me how two people who were strangers 6 years ago can be soooo much alike. It was with a heavy heart that we watched them pull away from the drive to head south. It was short lived as a mere hour later I was sawing logs. They wore us out.
  Monday at work was such a shock to my system I opted to play hooky on Tuesday to go salmon fishing with my brother and dad at bouy 10 near the mouth of the Columbia river. The fishing trip started great. I brought a 10 pound coho into the boat 20 minutes into the trip. I had to throw it back as it was a wild fish but still it was a very good start. I never got a chance to catch another. A phone call from my mom cut the trip short.
   Monday evening a 15 year old girl and her 18 year old sister were hit by a car while walking a dark, winding, country road. They were dressed in dark clothing. The younger sister died at the scene. Alcohol, drugs, or speed, were not factors in the accident. The driver did not see the girls until the moment of impact. He was blinded by oncoming headlights as he crested the hill. The girls were in the middle of the road on the other side of the hill. They never knew what hit them. The driver was my nephew. He is 22 years old and feels his life is over. The girl who died was a very popular athlete in our small town high school as well as an honor student and class president. Her father is the maintenance planner for the paper machine that I work on. I live in a small town.  Such a tragedy.  I fear the healing will be painfully slow. I wonder if it will ever come at all.
   Yesterday I found out my P.S.A. feell by 75% to 5.62 in the two weeks since beginning Zytiga.  The side effects are rough on me. Weight loss, loss of appetite,  nausea,  extreme fatigue, and a hacking cough.
   I am alive. It appears I will be for some time. Life is weird. Blessings and tragedy.  The moments pass quickly and whether we know it or not the end is just over the hill. I am thankful for my life and my many blessings. I hope I never take them for granted. My heart is filled with sadness for my nephew and the family mourning the loss of their sister and daughter.
   Life could end tomorrow.  There us no guarantee the breath I am taking wont be my last. I hope we all can keep from wasting this beautiful gift. When we do, we dishonor those who were taken from us far too early. :-( Todd
  

Saved by Jury Duty

Yesterday I woke up at 4a.m. and was at work by 5:30. I worked from 5:30 to 11:30 and went home for a few hours of sleep. I returned to work at 5:30 p.m. and worked until 3:45 a.m. It is 7:25 a.m. and I have yet to go to sleep. Doesn't my employer realize I have cancer. I never thought I would be so happy to have jury duty but I am thrilled. I don't have to go back to work. I get paid for my time off and I get paid by the court. My plan is to be home and headed for dreamland by noon. That it for today, I am beat, Todd

Letting go

Five miles west of the town of Mossyrock WA. is Riffe lake. The lake is named for the town that was covered with water when they closed the flood gates of Mossyrock Dam. In times of low water you can still walk the mud covered streets and see the foundations of the long forgotten homes and businesses. The picture to the left was taken yesterday at a hidden cove half way up the lake. In order to be certain of a deep water landing you must let go at the very top of the arc. It equates to a 3 story drop. Fear makes it difficult to let go but if you don't then things can get really ugly. My life is a metaphor.

I think one of the most important things I have learned in dealing with this disease is to just let go. We can only control so much. We can try to hold it all together but it can really get messy if we try to control too much. I am having a hard time with Zytiga. I feel nausea all the time. I have so much congestion and I just really feel icky right now. I hope it passes but it is out of my control. In this case, like on the rope swing yesterday, the wheels have been set into motion and I am no longer in control. I choose to let go and enjoy the ride as best I can. I hope I feel better soon. Todd

Day two

I love the still of morning just as the the first rays of light breach the darkness. This is my time. Mandy and Michaela are fast asleep. The dog lies in my lap for his morning scratch and everything is right in the world. There is no cancer in this place. There is only the promise of a new day and of course there is coffee. The perpetual kaliedescope of color dances across the sky. I feel young. God is truly an artist. The first birds begin their chorus as others join in the celebration of life. The mist rises from the water. In the distance a duck takes flight. I think heaven must be like this.
     I use to take these moments for granted as I believe most of us do.
We are so busy. Our lives are consumed by so many things that really do not matter. Were it not for Mandy I might still be missing these moments. Through her eyes I am seeing it all for the first time. It is such a contrast to the place I will be in less than an hour. Where I work there is no silence. It is so loud that you feel it rather than hear it. The forests are ground into chips and cooked in a toxic soup until they are nothing but pulp. The temperature can exceed 130 degrees. The smell of chemicals and the pulping process permeates everything and stays with you long after the day is over. When my workday is finished I can't wait to be home.
    I feel good. I was told Zytiga works quickly. The pressure in my chest has eased. My cough is no longer dry and unyielding. This morning my hip popped back into place. The only side effect I have noticed is a metallic taste in my mouth. I slept soundly. It's Friday. Life is good.
    This weekend Mandy and I will get the house back together. My band will play at the relay for life and I will be the guest speaker before the luminary lap. I still have no idea what I am going to say. Sunday we will take the boat to the lake and spend the day on the water. Next weekend we will have house guests. The remainder of the weekends this summer will be spent camping and boating. School will start soon and life will downshift to a slower pace. The days will grow shorter and the smell of wood smoke will be in the air. I feel really good today. Happy Friday. Todd