49 and holding

Age is just a number so the saying goes. You're only as old as you feel. Fifty is the new Forty.  I have heard them all. In a little over two weeks I will find out for myself.
    Fifty is an age nobody thought I would see. As I near the half century milestone I will also pass another significant milestone. I will be a 90 month survivor of stage 4 Prostate cancer.
   As we walk through life the milemarkers along the way have meaning. At age 5 we start school. That was my least favorite at the time but I also got my first b.b. gun that Christmas so it made up for the school thing a little bit. At age 8 I was able to go hunting with my dad and bagged my first buck. The tradition of hunting with dad has endured for 41 years. Sixteen was a no- brainer. My first car was a 1962 Chevy impala. It had a 283 with a two speed powerglide transmission. The engine had a flat cam so dad and I rebuilt a 327 in the garage and dropped it in. We painted it starburst metallic fireball red and put a set of crager coke bottle rims on it. The interior was restored and a pioneer supertuner 8 track deck was mounted above the console feeding jenson triaxial speakers in the rear deck. I miss that car. At 18 I graduated and got my first apartment. It was a bittersweet occasion.  21 was fun for a while. Not so fun the morning after. At 25 my car insurance dropped to the good rates. I was married had three kids too many bills and too small a paycheck. At 30 I was separated from my wife and living in a studio apartment trying to make it all work. It didn't.  At forty I had lost it all and was a junky living in a garage. I celebrated those two significant milestones alone and contemplating suicide. At age 41 I went through with my suicide plan. I lived and at 4 months prior to my 42nd birthday I was born again. At 42 I was diagnosed with advanced cancer and given a year to live.
   I never thought I would see this day but here I am. As I enter the threshold of 50 I would need a ream of paper to single space type my blessings. Eight years ago I had nothing except a job. My kids and family disowned me. I was a mess. My credit rating was in the  300's. I needed a cosigner for a payday loan. I owed $12k in traffic citations.  I owed $20k to the I.R.S. I stopped answering my phone as it was most likely a bill collection service. I was lonely.  I was alone. I wanted to die.
    Today I am married to the love of my life. My relationship with my children and my family is better than it has ever been. I have a mortgage on a modest but comfortable home. I have a Dodge diesel in the drive with a new camper on one side and my wifes kia soul on the other. I have a ski boat and snowmobiles in the garage. I am still in debt  to the top of my butt crack but it is for the life I always dreamed of living. My new credit score is nearing 800. There is food on the table and the bills are paid. The wolf is occasionally at the door but I am still a crack shot so he never tries to come in. Best of all this last year has been the best of my life. I have so many friends new and old. I am blessed beyond that which I deserve.
   This year I will turn 50 among 28 of my newest friends with my true love at my side. I am so thankful for this life.
    I have no Idea what I will do at age 60 to top this but I plan on being there among friends and family. Y.O.L.O.

A day in the woods

The air is still. The mist blankets the valley floor. The forest is silent.  I am alone in this place. As daylight breaks over the marsh below the silence is broken by a  myriad of birds greeting the  new day. A chipmunk joins in the chorus and then another. The world is alive. A blacktail deer with her fawn in tow emerge from the jack firs to graze at the edges of the marsh. The fawn was born last spring and has only recently lost it's spots. I think of bambi as it is more interested in running around than eating.
   I love this place. I have hunted this valley since I was eight years old. I hunted when it was covered in dense forest. I hunted it when weyerhaueser clear  cut as far as the eye can see. A new forest has grown up but the marsh remains. It is unchanged. Nobody hunts here anymore. The young trees were planted so tightly that it is impossible to see into them. There is no longer clearcuts to sit and watch from the comfort of a truck. Good riddance. I won't miss them. I am old school  I will hike 10 miles today. I love being in the woods. I love everything about it. For now as I sit motionless in my mossyoak cammo I am a tree. A twig pops somewhere below me. Elk are far from quiet as they roam through the forest. Where are they? Another branch breaks but closer this time. The minutes pass slowly.  The deer walk away and vanish into the trees. Below me the first elk comes into view followed by a dozen more cows and calves. There are no bulls in this herd except for one young spike. The season will be ending in two short days and I have had no luck at all. My dad is a mile below me watching the only cut on the mountain.  He will be wondering where I am. Time to get up and get moving before my  butt freezes to the ground. I wonder if a frozen ass is G.F.M.P.H. haha. Todd

Elk season and other stuff continued.

 

Mandy survived. The wind pounded the coast at 40 m.p.h. and there was not a lot of sleep to be had but she and our daughter stayed warm and dry despite sleeping in a tent just above the surf line. The pictures said a thousand words. The Olympic peninsula is a place of epic beauty. Our daughter received a B+ for the field trip and Mandy had the time of her life.

  I am still hunting elk. My faith in my hunting abilities is waning. I am just not doing very good. I will write more later but once again, I am exhausted. To all of you who follow this blog I apologize but I have just been wiped out when I get home and have a hard time sitting down at the computer. Todd

Hunting season psa and other stuff

Tonight I am a bachelor. Normally this time of year Mandy would be a hunters widow and trust me, for much of the next two weeks she will be, but tonight I am alone and it feels weird. Since our wedding, 61/2 years ago we have only spent 1 night apart. We share everything. We are each others best friend. I am worried about her. Tonight she is a chaperone for a sophomore biology field trip to a place called  Rialto beach on the Olympic peninsula. It is November and it is pouring rain and the wind is blowing and she and our daughter are sleeping in a tent. I miss her. I am sure she is fine but I still worry. I wish she would call me.
   I had some really good news this week on the Prostate Cancer front. My P.S.A. has dropped again. It is now 0.70. This is the lowest it has been in 4 years. It seems the Zytiga is working. The Provenge will help the Zytiga and I will keep fighting. I am excited but I am also exhausted so my true feelings may  not show through my words. I hunted hard today. I did not see a single elk. By the time I got home I was chilled to the bone and soaking wet. Elk hunting is so much easier when you have hunting partners but I hunt with my dad and he is 71 and needs a double knee replacement. Needless to say he has a hard time getting out of the truck. Most of my hunting is done alone. It is really nice to have him waiting at the bottom of the hill with a warm truck and a cup of hot coffee. (or a nip of crown royal to warm the bones.) I know this or the next year maybe the year after will be my last to hunt with my dad. I am going to ride this ride as long as it lasts. My dad is an amazing man. I didn't get his height but we look so much alike. He is 6' tall. I am 5'6" I took after my 5'1" mother. lol He and my mom are both wonderful parents and I have always been proud to be their son. Elk season may not be fruitful this year but we will do our best and hope for a little luck. No matter what it is a good time shared with family. I am going to bed now. Life should slow down soon and I will have much more time to write. Goodnight, Todd

The value of a core support group

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For 89 months I have fought this disease. For the first year, I did it alone. That's not to say my family wasn't there for me, My parents, my children, my wife, and for a time even my Grandparents all were there for me. Any of the aforementioned would have done anything for me at any time. Still, I was alone. It is hard to talk about terminal illness with persons who are emotionally attached. They keep crying. It is hard to talk to your wife when you are worried that you will never again have a libido. It is hard to talk about the "what if's" to your children who fall apart for days after the conversation. Cancer is a burden that in many ways must be carried alone. If you do not have a positive outlook people assume that your lack of faith is the reason you are getting sicker or that a treatment is not working. (paraphrased from a post by a healingwell member) " sorry beejane, I liked it" To express fear or doubt is to show weakness. One night during a graveyard shift that seemed like it would never end, I began surfing the web. I simply googled a question. "How long was I going to live with advanced prostate cancer?" I was not encouraged by the results of my query. I was basically learning that I should already be dead. I even called a number for a cutting edge treatment facility that said "sorry there is nothing we can do for you." .....NICE!!!
I continued to surf the web until at around 5a.m. I clicked on a website called healingwell.com. I read some of the posts and decided lurking was for cowards and signed up as a member. I again typed my question.... The replies were not what I had expected. I don't even remember what they were to be honest but it doesn't matter. My battle with cancer changed that morning. I found a place where everyone was to one degree or another, in the same boat as I. I found a place where we all shared the same fears and faced the same demons. I found a place where I could vent or rant without judgement. I could share my dreams and my struggles and not worry that those I shared with would have a breakdown. I found a group of people whom over the years have become closer in many ways than my family.
    It is this group to whom I dedicate this post. My friends and my family. To date, I have met four of them face to face. In a month I will have the privilege of meeting several more. I honestly do not believe I would be here without them. They have carried me when I could not walk. I have been there to carry the load for them as well. We are a band of brothers and we will leave no-one behind as we battle this disease. Thank you so much for being there and being my friends.


If you have a chronic disease, please find help to deal with it. Nobady should carry the burden alone,. Todd

A little intimacy.

We just got back from the beach. Mandy and I have not been alone together in well over a month. Having a 15 year old sharing the room next door is challenging. Saturday morning we were suppose to wake up early, load the camper, buy groceries, drop off the daughter and head to the beach for a little us time and some razor clam digging.

 This is how it really went:


Good morning honey,

Good morning....... What time is it?.... I don't know, my eyes are stuck together.... hold on.... Oh crap., it is 9:15

I got the Camper thrown onto the truck in record time, threw some clothes in a backpack, grabbed the dog and we were off. We dropped off the daughter and headed to Fred Meyer for groceries. We were only an hour behind schedule. Dang it.... Mandy, we gotta go back home. Why? I left the rocket fuel in the fridge. (code name for trimix). No.... we are not going back for it. Okay, I don't think I need it.

I DIDN'T NEED IT. That comes later

We made it to the beach and ordered a pizza and bought a couple bottles of wine. The pizza would be delivered to our campsite in two hours so we took advantage of a beautiful day to ride our bikes and drink wine on the beach.

What a wonderful time together. We rode and laughed and drank and laughed some more. At times we laughed until the tears ran down our cheeks. The pizza came at 5:30 and it was so delicious. After that we went clamming and then for a sunset walk on the beach. I have included a few pics.

This was our campsite

 Walking through the tide-pools at the hollow

It was an amazing sunset. We held hands and walked together. There was no place either of us would have rather been. After sunset we returned to our campsite for more wine, a warm campfire and a heated game of cribbage..... Mandy won....
By the time 10 o'clock rolled around we were exhausted. I don't remember my head hitting the pillow. Neither does Mandy.

We had to wait until this morning for "us" time. After that we rode bicycles along the beach for 10 miles played air hockey and drank peanut butter milkshakes. It was an amazingly fun weekend that recharged our batteries.


Many of my friends have commented on my last post. To them, I say thank you. I will never give up, nor will I ever back down. Sometimes I do feel sad. Sometimes!!!

My friends are right. Mandy and I are as close as two people could ever be. This weekend much intimacy was shared, and only a small percentage of it was physical. It is our oneness that makes our togetherness so good. Even if it happens less than we would like, it is that much more special when it does.

I hope I have not gagged y'all Talk to you later, Todd

I don't know how to fix it

Lupron is a blessing and a curse. Combine it with Zytiga and it is even more so.
   I love my wife. She is my world
I would do anything for her. I am failing and I have no idea how to fix it.
   I participate in an online forum for prostate cancer patients. We are a unique mix of men who fight this disease on many fronts. There are those who are most likely cured. They are the ones I envy the most. The talk of dealing with side effects and worry about when they are going to regain sexual function and continence.  They complain that their equipment is smaller than it use to be. Most eventually move on after recovery logging in only to annouce a normal psa or to say  hello. Some find a unique kinship with others on the board and stay to help the others who find the site at a very scary time in their lives.
   There is also a group of caregivers who are rocks. (it is not just men who find the board) They are amazing in courage and strength.
   There are older gentleman who have non aggressive cancer and have opted for watchful waiting as a treatment plan. They support each other. They are a great bunch of men.
   There are radiation guys, brachy guys, and a host of others, all fighting the beast and cheering each other on.
   I belong to the young guys with advanced disease. Surgery and radiation are not options. We get the drugs. Hormones,  Provenge,  chemo. We hope the available drugs work until a new one comes along. The word "Cure " is not part of our vocabulary.  It is something we dream about and hope for. It is Santa Clause, the Easter Bunny, an honest Lawyer, and a morally sound politician, rolled into one. We discuss treatment options, side effects, and precious time. We speak of hope.
   Most of us are on hormone therapy. We will be for the remainder of our lives. It robs us of our body hair our masculinity and most important, our sexuality.  Erectile disfunction medicine can make the equipment work but there is nothing that can replace our libido ( desire)  that will not cause the cancer to spread. It is not a big deal to us. We are like casterated dogs. Something is missing but it doesn't really bother us. It does however affect those who love us and still desire us. It is hardest on them. They are the true victims. The sex can still hapen but we men rarely think of it. It leaves our wives feeling empty,unloved, undesired. My wife is dying inside and I do not know how to fix it. At times I wish I would die so she could have a full life. Today I am sad. Todd

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