Friday, August 19, 2016

I still have cancer

   I have been on the drug Zytiga for 3 years now. At times I have felt like this disease might never come back. I have even toyed with the word "cured"! A pipe dream perhaps. Isn't that what all cancer patients want? To be cured! I do want to be cured. I want it with all my heart. I want to hold my wife in my arms and feel the rush of passion she so much deserves. I want to believe in a future that is without the asterisk of cancer. I know however that I have been living in denial. 
   Last Monday I went in to have blood drawn for monthly labs. I was not suppose to have a PSA test and they did not draw blood for one but my Doctor must have insisted on having one drawn because the next day I received an email stating that I had new test results. 
   For the last several months, my PSA has come back as less than 0.02. Prior to that it came back at less than 0.05 for almost 2 years. On this last PSA test it came back at less than 0.05. What does that mean? Absolutely nothing. My PSA still falls below the lowest parameter that can be detected by the test that was used. They simply used a different machine this time. I am still undetectable. Yay!!
   When I get these online test results, I have a difficult time reading them. The font is very small on my phone and my eyes are not as good as they once were. At first I did not see the "Less Than" symbol. All I saw was 0.05. For a moment my heart sank. All I could think was "well here we go again" That is when reality set in. I still have stage IV prostate cancer. At this time in history nothing can change that. 
   I am doing well. We are on vacation and I have water skied every day like I am still a punk kid. Life is a wonderful gift and I will do my best to choke the life out of every day. Maybe the cancer will stay in remission forever. Maybe I am not cured but I am the next best thing. My blessings are too many to count. Vacation is not over yet and we have had Todd and Amanda time 4 times this week. No blue pill or injection required. I will write soon. Todd