Friday, December 30, 2016

Getting it right!

   I have been peeling the metaphorical onion the last few days. Discovering truth is a painful process. Publishing the filleted pieces of my life is even harder. 
   I have 2 daughters whom adore me. I have 2 sons as well. One adopted and one from out of wedlock born to my high school sweetheart. My relationship with both is sub-par. My adopted son rarely speaks to me. My biological son does not share my name and our communication is limited. His wife does not like us. Sleep was difficult last night as layer after painful layer of the truth was peeled away. 
   People who have met me over the last 10+ years, think pretty highly of me. I am well liked within my social circles. A lot of the reason for that is due to the profound effect this diagnosis has had on my heart. I am a better man, a better husband, and a better father. I am also a better grandpa.
   I haven't always been this way. Two divorces had left me bitter and angry. I will never understand why people who had promised each other forever and loved each other do their best to hurt one another when it all unravels. 

   We go through life in anticipation of tomorrow. Tomorrow is not a promise. To echo a previous post, we only have today. 


Christmas Time

   I love Christmas. I always have. I love giving of myself. Mandy does as well. Last Christmas was one of sadness. Dad had passed away just a few short weeks prior. Mom was devastated. We all were. I think about last Christmas quite a bit. Having cancer brings a greater appreciation for every day but especially those special days spent with family and loved ones. This year will be the first Christmas in a long time that most of my family will be home and will be spending it at our home. I am so excited. We see two of our granddaughters quite regularly but we have not been able to spend more than a few days in the last few years with our other three granddaughters. This year I thought they will be spending Christmas Eve with us. 
    I have done so well in my fight with cancer that my kids have a hard time seeing me as a cancer patient. I'm healthy, I'm out going, and I seldom talk about this disease with them. Sometimes I even forget that I have cancer.
    I wasted a lot of years and my kids were younger. Those who have journeyed through my blog in its entirety know that I made a mess out of my life. Cancer, among other things, changed hat. It helped me to realize what was important. It helped to make me a better husband, father, grandfather, and friend sometimes I wonder if things would be different had I not have gotten sick. Would I be the person that I am today? I counted as another blessing having this disease has bestowed upon me.  never have this gift. They live their lives thinking that everything is great and then one day it ends. Cancer gave me 10 1/2 years and counting to get it right. I'm not there yet! I still have a long way to go. My son spends a lot of time living in the past. I often wonder if I will ever get through to him that the past can't be changed. We have today. That's all that we have. 
   My son and granddaughters again did not make it up to our home. Their gifts are still wrapped and under the tree. Each year it is the same. Sometimes Christmas can be a real bummer

Tuesday, December 13, 2016

The Path

A chill surrounds I am warm
Embers burning 
They follow 

Earth, cool beneath me 
The air is still
Clear sky blue
my mind

Days behind and before numbered
Joy pain sorrow regrets
Here there is peace
I will stay

Tomorrow unpromised
Yesterday gone
Today is all we have

The path calls 
Whispers gently 
My name
I must go

Saturday, December 3, 2016

It's not enough

    I turned 53 yesterday. The day before that I shaved off my snow white Movember beard. It was good to see my face again. It may not be the best looking face in the world but it sure beats the Papa Smurf look I have been sporting for a month. 
   I know how blessed I am. Each day is a gift and I have enjoyed many more of them than the medical community every thought I would. A man who has been on Lupron and other androgen deprivation therapies should not be able to function in the bedroom but I can. Sometimes, even without prescription assistance. 
It's still not enough!!
   Mandy is no different than any other woman. She wants to be wanted. She wants to know the man she love desires her. She tires of the role of initiator! Mostly she is disappointed, frustrated, and hurt! It's a good thing she is still in love with me. 
   I love my wife. I adore her!! To me, there is no other in this world who could complete me the way that she does. She and my children are the reason I live but she comes before all others. When she is happy her eyes can light the darkest night. The best part of any day is seeing her smile. 
  Lately I see that smile less and less. Often when I look in her eyes I see only hurt. Resentment surely cannot be far behind. It's not enough that I have the ability to make love with my wife if I never make it a priority. How can I make something I rarely think about a priority? 
   Mandy and I share a love that is rare in this day and age. She is my best friend. No matter how angry we get (it doesn't happen very often) with each other, we both know there is nowhere else we would rather be.  Love songs are written about the emotions we feel for each other. Love stories are about us. Wouldn't it be wonderful if I could demonstrate the love I feel in my heart for her with the passionate hunger she needs to validate that same love she feels for me.
   Prostate cancer is a thief. It steals from both Husband and Wife but it is the Wife who pays the price. She is the one left to feel empty and abandoned. Love truly is wasted on the young.  Each day I pray for a cure for Prostate cancer. I pray not for myself but for the sweet girl who has paid the price of my disease. Prostate cancer has changed my life and in many ways I am a better man because of it but the blessings will never overcome the sadness I see in the eyes of the woman I love.