Faith. We must live like we don’t know.

    In previous posts I have mentioned the hope study! What is the Hope study?  Well the skinny version way over paraphrased to suit my country dialect goes something like this. A lot of years ago probably before I was born a bunch of scientist decided to try and figure out if Faith played a role in life and death situation. The control arm of the study took a bunch of mice or rats or some rodent that they deemed unfit to live and put them in an aquarium and put a lid on the aquarium and filled the aquarium with water to a level where they had to continue to swim or drown! It didn’t take long and they all drowned. I know this is pretty morbid stuff but it is true!!! this happened!! Anyway, that was the control arm of their study. In the trial arm or perhaps I should call it the experimental arm of the study they did the exact same thing but when the mice or rats or rodents or whatever they were started to struggle  they pulled them out of the water they put them in a warm bed and they fed them.  Just one would say giving the mice faith that they would survive. The next day they did the same thing but it took like a ton longer for the mice to begin to struggle it was like 45 minutes later they were all still swimming because they had faith that they could survive. 

    This to me is a really cool story and I could post a link to the study but I am inherently lazy. I’m also not very computer savvy so if I can find it you can find it just type the HOPE study into your search engine and I won’t swear to it but I think this was at Jon Hopkins or a similar University.

   It is my profound belief that if we truly have faith that if nothing else we can fight this disease and we have better outcomes than people who don’t. Faith!!!! What does this mean? How do we get there? I don’t know! As stated prior I am inherently lazy and unfortunately my mother said I always had to learn lessons the hard way so here I am. I am working on 17 years of dealing with this disease. Has Faith played a role? I think it has but to be honest I don’t know. I don’t really feel like I have a lot of faith but I suppose it would be the definition of faith to the person reading this post.. I’m not sure that makes sense and sometimes I struggle to explain the things I’m trying to say  Which is why I write. Because I am not very well educated and grew up big time blue-collar I struggle to convey the message. There is also 15 years oh hormone therapy rotting my brain. I do it better by telling stories because really that’s all I’m good at. I’m good at telling my story and I pray daily that my story helps others. 

I hold to the standard that faith by definition is somehow arriving at a place where you just know that your disease has been cured. I’ve read stories of people that just simply quit going to the doctor because they believed they were healed by Jesus. Maybe they were I don’t know. I know that I don’t have the faith to stop going to the doctor so by definition I don’t have faith.  Maybe I have something better than faith. The truth is I don’t want to be able to move mountains because I could never be trusted with that kind of power and responsibility. Maybe just maybe I have the next best thing.

Many years ago shortly before my diagnosis I had come to a conclusion that I really did want to live. At that point I begin to put my life back together and I believed my life wasn’t over. Imagine my surprise when they months later they told me like my life was over. At that point in my life there was nothing I could do but surrender. I didn’t surrender to the disease. I surrender to God‘s will in my life. It became very clear to me that I was no longer in control. Now I have a definition of God but my definition  is not everyone’s definition in fact I’m probably in the minority but that’s OK because everybody has God. They don’t know it, or they know it and they don’t care, but to some people God is self to some people God is science to some people God doesn’t exist. To me he does. God exists.  He wants me to use my gifts. So I do what I do. As best as I can but God gave me the gift of life as well as other gifts and to waste a day of life worrying about a tomorrow I am not guaranteed has got to feel like a slap in the face to the person who gave the gift. 

To church goers reading this blog, I want a lot of you to know that I don’t fit into your definition of Christianity. Sometimes I drink and sometimes I get drunk. I curse daily. I ran the zero turn lawnmower over an underground nest of yellow jackets! I am here to tell you I am prolific in the art of cursing. Sometimes you just gotta send it. 

Oh I believe in God the father God the Son and  God the holy spirit and I believe Christ gave his life in my place. In my opinion everything else is just details.

Now to get to the meat and taters of what I’m trying to say. There’s a song that says live like you were dying by Tim McGraw I’ve quoted it before. I think that song is a step in the right direction but I believe you’ve got to get to the point where you live like dying doesn’t matter. We’re all gonna die. It’s going to happen to every single one of us. I believe I have a day and an hour And I accept that. Surrendering to it may be the best thing I ever did.  Surrender to the fact that we are not getting out of here alive and resolve to liveour life every day like cancer has no power over us I think it comes  down to surrendering honestly. It’s a mind set. It’s a matter of the heart. 

I am thankful for my life. Oh I will live every day like it is a gift to be treasured and that it may be my last one. Somehow I got to a place where the only time I believe I have cancer is when I have to go to the doctor.

16 years 3 months and counting.

I am still here and still undetectable. Life is pretty good. I was able to complete the lions share of the chores I had planned for this past summer and was even able to spend a lot of time on the water recreating. Life seems to be slowing down and I feel as though I have entered a time of peace and contentment. I wish my sweetheart could retire with me but at this time in our lives it just doesn’t seem to be in the cards for a while. Maybe if I had a rich uncle that kicked the bucket I would be able to make that happen but I think I have a better shot at winning Powerball and truth be told I don’t play the lottery. Personally I feel like I won the lottery the day I met Amanda. Living in the country certainly has been a blessing. Right now I’m sitting in the hot tub looking out at the woods that surround our home writing this post. The leaves are starting to turn and there is a chill in the night air. As wet as the last winter and spring were I can’t believe I’m saying this but I really wish the rain would arrive. We need it. Ever since Covid started in 2020 my patient advocacy work has pretty much went down the toilet. I often think of starting it up again but truth be told I lack motivation. Maybe that’s what this post is but probably not. I live in the middle of nowhere so playing an active role in a support group is off the table. I haven’t been playing any music however we did recently start rehearsing again. It is comforting to know that even though I am now 58 years old and have been living with advanced prostate cancer these past 16 years three months and one week I can still tear it  up on a slalom ski behind our boat.

On a positive note my oncologist signed off on knee replacement for me and I have an appointment next Friday to discuss it with a surgeon. If I am able to have a knee replacement I’m hoping it will come after mid November. Elk hunting season always starts the first weekend in November in our neck of the woods and I don’t want to miss it. I would rather hobble around like an old crippled guy then miss spending 10 days in the woods with my buddies chasing elk. 

I lost another friend to this shitty disease yesterday! We knew it was coming. He had been going downhill for a long time and yet nothing could change his attitude and zest for life. He choked the life out of every single day until the very end. He will be missed. Sonny was a true beacon of inspiration. I never met him personally but I shared treasured phone conversations with him. His attitude was infectious. I believe he is in a better place and out of pain but those of us who remain have lost a beautiful human being. God speed Sonny.

Sometimes I think that is the reason I have moved away from advocacy. Losing friends sucks. I guess however, it is in evitable. We must all say goodbye for a while whether we have cancer or not and I am getting older. It feels good to say that. I am getting older. I have been blessed in so many ways. I am so thankful for my life and for the many friends this disease has brought into it.