Friday, May 2, 2014

May 2, 2014

    I haven't written in over a month. I have started a couple different drafts but I never put more than a few words on the screen. I have been far too frustrated with the day to day irritations of my life to relax and put pen to paper figuratively. On the cancer front I am doing fantastic. My Psa test two days ago showed that I am completely undetectable. The actual number was <0.05. I have been playing the game for 96 months and I am undetectable. As I sit here, 8 years from diagnosis, it is hard to remember what life was like before cancer. I can't recall what it was like to feel passion. I know how I feel and how I think about things, but I forgot what it feels like to feel masculine. I can make all kinds of jokes about my feminine side, chick flicks, and shoe shopping but they are masks to hide the pain I feel each day.  I am not complaining. Far from it! This is a simple acknowledgement of truth. Prostate cancer is a thief. It has stolen my manhood. It has stolen a good part of what it means to be a husband from my wife. It has stolen my energy. It has tried to steal my zest for life. This last month it has come close.

   It is not just the cancer that has been beating down my spirit as of late. I, and the rest of my co-workers have been treated like dogs at work. The long hours and switching from day shift to graveyard every few days is wearing me down. I need a vacation. I need to get away to the coast of someplace beautiful and drink brightly colored umbrella drinks. I am so damned tired all the time. I take a benedryl at 9pm and I wake to the alarm 8 and 1/2 hours later. It is 7:15 and my eyes are heavy. I am fighting off a cold. My throat is scratchy and my chest is tight. I have been eating vitamin C like crazy. My color is flushed. I look and feel like a cancer patient.

The Sun came out Tuesday and we took the boat out on the lake. It was just what I needed. I want summer to be here today.
    I talked to one of my many friends at Dendreon yesterday. He said he wants me to head south in early June. I hope it happens. It would do me a world of good to see my friends again.
   I am fine. I will be fine. Some times it is just hard. Sometimes I need to be vulnerable. This is one of those times. Todd


  1. Hey Todd. Glad you find encouragement in boating. We have the same with motorcycling, it's just rejuvenating to get back on the road. I've only been a year on hormone therapy, with some similar side effects albeit less severe so far. You say so well what it's like living with treatments of this twilight zone disease.

    I hope and pray you continue to find encouragement even with the challenges, challenges no one else really understands. Hang in there, bro.

  2. Todd, Glad to see you post again, we have missed them, thanks for posting that last April 20 -classic one from last year, that was one of your best. I too am frustrated that I haven't found the time to do some writing like you.I hear you about the loss of your "drive" . My wife misses that also, but appreciates that I show some more feelings now. But she says I am still too silent at times and do not open up about my true feelings about discussing this battle. Someone advised me, you need to become an expert in fighting this battle,so I can make my own informed decisions. I think long term every day, sometime to the point of excess, but don't want to, just day to day is enough for now. Still working, trying to contribute although my energy level is not there sometimes. Good thing that you are taking pleasure in the simple things. and take every vacation or get away opportunity that you can.We have to make a point to do that sometimes. And you dont always have to be strong in body,we are by definition all frail in our humanity. Just keep strong in faith, and fellowship with those of a like mind. We love you brother Todd and Mandy too --
    Dan and Rose Kasper

  3. Was wondering when you were going to post again. Keep up the writing. I found that to be one of the best things for keeping me sane - well, most times.

    Sometimes it is best just to able to get away. I was able to get out to do some hiking today - first time in months. Felt so good.
    Hang in there.