Friday, May 2, 2014

May 2, 2014

    I haven't written in over a month. I have started a couple different drafts but I never put more than a few words on the screen. I have been far too frustrated with the day to day irritations of my life to relax and put pen to paper figuratively. On the cancer front I am doing fantastic. My Psa test two days ago showed that I am completely undetectable. The actual number was <0.05. I have been playing the game for 96 months and I am undetectable. As I sit here, 8 years from diagnosis, it is hard to remember what life was like before cancer. I can't recall what it was like to feel passion. I know how I feel and how I think about things, but I forgot what it feels like to feel masculine. I can make all kinds of jokes about my feminine side, chick flicks, and shoe shopping but they are masks to hide the pain I feel each day.  I am not complaining. Far from it! This is a simple acknowledgement of truth. Prostate cancer is a thief. It has stolen my manhood. It has stolen a good part of what it means to be a husband from my wife. It has stolen my energy. It has tried to steal my zest for life. This last month it has come close.

   It is not just the cancer that has been beating down my spirit as of late. I, and the rest of my co-workers have been treated like dogs at work. The long hours and switching from day shift to graveyard every few days is wearing me down. I need a vacation. I need to get away to the coast of someplace beautiful and drink brightly colored umbrella drinks. I am so damned tired all the time. I take a benedryl at 9pm and I wake to the alarm 8 and 1/2 hours later. It is 7:15 and my eyes are heavy. I am fighting off a cold. My throat is scratchy and my chest is tight. I have been eating vitamin C like crazy. My color is flushed. I look and feel like a cancer patient.

The Sun came out Tuesday and we took the boat out on the lake. It was just what I needed. I want summer to be here today.
    I talked to one of my many friends at Dendreon yesterday. He said he wants me to head south in early June. I hope it happens. It would do me a world of good to see my friends again.
   I am fine. I will be fine. Some times it is just hard. Sometimes I need to be vulnerable. This is one of those times. Todd