Friday, May 1, 2015

Darkness closes in.

   In posts previous I have mentioned that in the early days of diagnosis I spent many sleepless nights wondering what it would feel like to take my last breath. Those thoughts are behind me for the time being but the darkness is always just beyond the light.

   Since I was a small child whenever I was sick I would have the same dream. There was only one part of the dream I have ever been able to remember and that was being inverted. Every other aspect of the dream manifested itself in feelings. There was always a great deal of pressure. There was always the sensation of my entire body rubbing against pumice. It was always dark. I could feel the darkness. The dream was always the same. Each time I had the dream I would awaken with the flu, a bad fever, or some other semi-serious childhood illness. I went many years without having the dream. Just prior to my diagnosis I began having the dream with sudden regularity. After beginning treatment I went five years without having the dream again until my PSA began climbing in late 2011. I have not had the dream since completing Provenge therapy in the spring of 2012.

   I have no idea why I am writing about this or what it means. It just seems strange to me. I have tried, without success, to remember the dream. I never remember anything more than what I mentioned above despite having experienced the dream a few dozen times. 

   I have been told I am remembering my birth. I always found it odd that I would have this dream when I am sick though. What could being born and being sick have in common? Then it occurred to me that I was a forcep baby. My mom told me I was stuck and I had to be pulled out. My head was bruised and so mis-shaped that my dad did not want to take me home. I was the original cone head. This happened before the days of the baby vitals monitor in delivery rooms. I wonder? Could I have been close to death in the deliver room.
   My Grandma and Grampa lived next door when I was young. I visited them daily. One day in particular, I must have bee all of four years old, as I walked across the driveway to grandma's, I stopped in my tracks. I had a question in my head. Who was I before I was me? I may have written about this before. I can't remember. Honestly I just want to write but have no clear topic. This might be fun though. Has anyone else ever had moments like these. 

Some thoughts arose as I wrote.

Sunrise and sunset look a lot alike!
Is dying like being reborn?
Do we have awareness before we are born?
Do we forget the before after we are born into this world?
Will we forget this word in the after?
What if our spirit is like our R.A.M. And our brain is like our hard drive? 

No!!!! I have not been smoking dope!!!!

It's just that I am intrigued by my dreams and memories and even though I was only 4 it was deep and meant something. In fact it may have meant more because of my age at the time. I think we forget all the important stuff as our hard drive fills up with crap. Food for thought. Todd

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