I’m not Superman

   I always thought that I could do anything. My philosophy has always been nothing was going to slow me down. Push through the pain and get it done. I was incredibly naïve.  I never wanted to be on disability. I like working but Time catches up with all of us at some point. It’s a fine line that I walk. These last few months have been really hard. I feel myself slowing down. I guess I’m not really superman after all. 

   My oncology appointment is coming up next week. I fully expect changes. I don’t know what that means at the moment but I just don’t feel good anymore. I have been having hot flashes again. I have not had noticeable hot flashes in years but here we are. I have terrible night sweats. My bowels are messed up. I often wake up in the middle of the night having to use the bathroom. Sometimes more than once. It would be fine if it was just to urinate but that is not the case.. My mind has been slipping lately. I can’t remember anything. I drop things constantly. It’s like I don’t have any feeling in my fingertips. My brother asked me to help him put a roof on his deck. I used to be a pretty good Carpenter. I could work all day and get stuff done but now everything is changed. I was helping him and I broke out in a cold sweat and felt like I was going to throw up . I lost my balance and fell. I lose my balance all the time now. I try to shield Amanda from what I’m going through. She worries too much. I think she knows though. I am losing interest in things I use to love doing. It’s not worth the pain anymore.  My knees hurt so bad walking has become increasingly difficult. I still walk to the mailbox with her and sometimes I will go up to the lake with her and walk through the county park but I am in constant pain when I do. I go through a large bottle of Advil every month. I worry I am killing my kidneys. Lately she has been going by herself half the time. I have been having problems with my vision. Amanda calls them ocular migraines I don’t know if that’s what they are. All I know is that my field of view flutters in my peripheral vision. The fluttering gets gradually worse until I only have a narrow field of view that I can see clearly through.If you have ever watched heat waves on asphalt during a really hot day that is kind of what my vision is doing. They usually last half an hour. I don’t know if it is cancer related. All I know is I used to have them early in my diagnosis but they went away when the cancer became undetectable. They came back again 5  years later while I was awaiting an insurance decision for Provenge and went away shortly after receiving the treatment. Now they are back. I have a nodule in my groin. I think it is an enlarged lymph node but I will let my oncologist know about it at my visit next week. I thank  God that I don’t have to go to work anymore. There’s no way I could do that. When we moved into this new home there was a lot of stuff that needed to be done. I was working full time at a labor intensive job and couldn’t do both. After I was approved for disability I worked my ass off to do what I could do by myself but I don’t think I could do that again honestly. I ended up hiring a contractor to complete the job. We didn’t have the money to do it so I took a large chunk of money out of my 401(k) to have it done. I worry about the future. Not so much for me but for Amanda. What if I die. What will she do. I had hoped to live long enough that when my time did come there would be enough money in my 401(k) to at least pay off the house but with the stock market going to hell that is not likely to happen. 

   We have had this amazing wonderful life together. For so many years we have enjoyed boating, wakeboarding, waterskiing, hiking, bicycle riding and traveling. I just don’t care to do those things anymore. Sure I can probably get on my board and let her tow me around the lake but it’s not fun anymore. It hurts too much. I still get a lot of joy however watching my granddaughters learning how to do the things I have loved my entire life. We took both of them up to the lake this past summer and they both learned how to wakeboard. They absolutely fell in love with it. I enjoy being on the boat. I enjoy parking in a secluded Cove throwing the anchor and spending the day swimming and relaxing. I enjoy going fishing with my brother and my mom. I guess things change. I have gotten to the point where if a drive more than an hour I can barely walk when I get out of the truck. God forbid I have to ride in Mandy’s  little Honda car. Getting in and out of it is difficult.

   I don’t want this post to be all gloom and doom. I have been finding new things to love that don’t take a toll on my body. Spending time with Amanda riding the motorcycle on country roads is wonderful. We fell in love all over again riding through the national park this past summer. Best of all it doesn’t hurt to do it. We upgraded to a larger and more comfortable motorcycle. Zero down payment and a reasonable monthly payment. The bike is 20 years old but in really good condition and it’s something Mandy and I can do without causing more pain so anyway that’s where I’m at right now. I’m supposed to have knee surgery on my right knee and then later next year maybe getting my left knee done.  We shall see how the right knee goes. The orthopedic surgeon says my left knee is worse than the right knee but the right knee is the one that keeps me awake at night. I do know it’s going to put me out of commission for a while. It’s a good thing we have a comfortable couch.