Thursday, February 27, 2014

Retirement. Hmmmm!!!

   Today was a tough day of a tough week. Tomorrow is Friday. I can truly relate to TGIF. As I sit in this really uncomfortable chair at the optometrist my oncology appointment an hour behind me plays through my head. Was that today or was it last month. It could have been. They are always the same. Today I am tired. It shows in my eyes and in my posture. Today I feel like a beaten dog. I am not beaten yet the beatings continue. Today I survived. Today,  for the first time I wanted to quit going to work . Today I thought of retirement. I could walk away. I could stay home each and every day. What would I do? Sleeping in sounds nice but then what? My friends are at work. I could afford it. We would get by. I don't just want to get by. I am 50 years old. 55 seems like a realistic goal. In five years I should have built up enough to pay off the house. In five years the bulk of our bills will be paid off and our daughter should be finishing her junior year of college. Five years.... It will pass like a gentle breeze. It seems a long way off. It feels as though it will never get here at all. I have terminal cancer. Realistically five years could be the rest of my life. I can't think that way though. Those thoughts must remain in the shadows. I have today and God willing I will have tomorrow. 
    Cancer is not in control. I am not in control but I must be positive with that which I am in control of. It is a mental masturbation. It is a game played out daily in the depth of my psyche. Some days I am th windshield and others the bug. Today I was the bug. Today I lost the game and yet as I readied for bed I took a moment and looked online to see if my P.S.A. had been posted. As my heart raced and my hands trembled I braced for the worst while praying for the best. My prayers were answered with another 45% drop. My P.S.A. is now at 0.10. I will be in the zero club next month if the trend continues. My spirit was resurrected in that moment and although it was a miserable day that had beaten me near submission there was victory in the end. I know that it will always be this way. In my darkest hour there will always be a light. 
   I always reread my posts before I publish them to edit the content. I believe I will leave this one as written. God bless..... Todd