Retirement. Hmmmm!!!

   Today was a tough day of a tough week. Tomorrow is Friday. I can truly relate to TGIF. As I sit in this really uncomfortable chair at the optometrist my oncology appointment an hour behind me plays through my head. Was that today or was it last month. It could have been. They are always the same. Today I am tired. It shows in my eyes and in my posture. Today I feel like a beaten dog. I am not beaten yet the beatings continue. Today I survived. Today,  for the first time I wanted to quit going to work . Today I thought of retirement. I could walk away. I could stay home each and every day. What would I do? Sleeping in sounds nice but then what? My friends are at work. I could afford it. We would get by. I don't just want to get by. I am 50 years old. 55 seems like a realistic goal. In five years I should have built up enough to pay off the house. In five years the bulk of our bills will be paid off and our daughter should be finishing her junior year of college. Five years.... It will pass like a gentle breeze. It seems a long way off. It feels as though it will never get here at all. I have terminal cancer. Realistically five years could be the rest of my life. I can't think that way though. Those thoughts must remain in the shadows. I have today and God willing I will have tomorrow. 

    Cancer is not in control. I am not in control but I must be positive with that which I am in control of. It is a mental masturbation. It is a game played out daily in the depth of my psyche. Some days I am th windshield and others the bug. Today I was the bug. Today I lost the game and yet as I readied for bed I took a moment and looked online to see if my P.S.A. had been posted. As my heart raced and my hands trembled I braced for the worst while praying for the best. My prayers were answered with another 45% drop. My P.S.A. is now at 0.10. I will be in the zero club next month if the trend continues. My spirit was resurrected in that moment and although it was a miserable day that had beaten me near submission there was victory in the end. I know that it will always be this way. In my darkest hour there will always be a light. 

   I always reread my posts before I publish them to edit the content. I believe I will leave this one as written. God bless..... Todd

It's that time of the month again

   I am sorry I haven't written in a long time. We have been doing home remodeling and there just hasn't been enough hours in the day. I love our home but it has issues. The biggest issue is that when the wind blows the draperies move. In the last few weeks we have been trying to remedy the problem. New doors and windows have been on the menu. It is a painstakingly slow process but to me it is fun. We fell in love with our home when we found it but as the new love faded we set to making changes. We are to the point of having only major changes left to make. Doors, windows, carpeting, and hardwood. Painting the house is on the agenda as well as adding covered R.V. space and my personal favorite, enlarge the master bedroom and add walk-in closets and an on-suite
   I see my Oncologist tomorrow and I can feel my blood pressure rising. It use to be that I only felt this way 4 times per year but now with the Zytiga it is a monthly event. Every 28 days I have to brace myself for another P.S.A. test. It is hard for people without cancer to grasp the emotional turmoil a cancer patient must endure every day. We do our best to cope but sometimes it is just plain hard. How long until the medication fails. What will the next one be and how long will it last. They all fail. That is the problem with cancer. The drugs only work for so long. I ache at times. I want life to continue as it is right now. I love my life. It took me 42 years to find real happiness. I want it to last. Reality is that nothing lasts forever. Life changes. We age. We die. Friday I will get my test results. God willing, they will remain the same or lower. Either way I will know something. Next month it will begin again. I never get use to it. I never will. In between I will live. In between I will love. In between I will have a really good time.
  Tonight is the love of my life's birthday. Tonight I forget cancer yet again and devote this evening to her. I can worry tomorrow. Tonight I must live. Happy Birthday Mandy. I love you. Todd
    

There is so much more to life than work.

  It snowed this past week. It usually snows here a few times a year but it never stays around long. This time has been different. It started snowing and just didn't stop. There is at present, a foot on the ground and it is still coming down. As I mentioned the other day, with the cold weather comes the long hours at work. Last night I worked 12 hours of grave yard. I was exhausted when I got home this morning. As I relaxed in my recliner after my morning shower I watched the snow falling and it occurred to me that this may be the only weekend this year that I would get to play with my family in the snow. To make a long story short, I called in sick before going to bed for a few hours of much needed sleep. I woke up at 3:30 to six inches of fresh powder on top of the 6 inches of packed snow from the two previous days. It is 11:30 at night and we just came indoors an hour ago. We made a snowman, threw snowballs, rode the snowmobiles,sledded and went for a long evening walk through the white stuff. It was a good day.
   I know we need to work. It is what gives us the life we enjoy but it is not the most important thing we do. I could have made a bunch of money today but it is only money. Money usually goes away faster than the snow but the memories we made today will last a lifetime.
   I wish I had learned this lesson at a much younger age. I wish I had learned it when my adult children were still kids. In many ways they got ripped off. Our daughter, Michaela, is the sole benefactor of my new priority list. We do things with my other kids and my grand children but Michaela lives it everyday. I wonder if she realizes how lucky she is. She is a good kid.
  As Mandy and I walked through the silent night, I was awestruck by the stillness around me. It was as if the entire world had simply decided to stand still. There were no cars, no people, and no tire tracks on the road. The fresh snow sparked in the soft light of nearby houses illuminating the path before us.We walked side by side at times holding hands simply enjoying the moment. Our moment. I could have missed it. I could have put on my boots, packed a lunch, and went to work. I could have missed laying in the snow in the middle of the road with the love of my life. I could have missed throwing snowballs at my father in law and his girlfriends home and heckling them for being too old to come outside and play. I could have missed the laughter and the smiles but I didn't. Not this time!
   How many moments do we really have in this life? Are we so blessed that we can afford to throw them away for something as pathetic as a dollar? To be fair it was actually several hundred dollars but that just makes my point even stronger. It's only money! It has no value!
  I will still work overtime. I like having a full toy box far too much to give it all up but there really is so much more to this life than what we do for a living. It sucks that so many people never get that. It sucks that it took getting cancer for me to get that. I guess it is simply one more blessing given to me by this disease. Yes I said blessing. The true fact of the matter is that cancer has given far more in the way of blessings than it ever took away. Life is perspective. Think about that one for a while :-) Until next time, Todd

Winter arrived this morning.

    I opened my eyes to stillness. The earth was quiet. I knew before opening the curtains that snow had fallen over night. It had been forecast and was falling even before bed time but it didn't matter. Snow seldom stays here for any length of time. In western Washington we have two seasons, warm rain and cold rain. For the last two months we have had very little of either. It has been clear and very mild. Normally we would be spending weekends in the mountains on the snowmobiles or doing some other alpine activity but not this year. This year we have been riding bikes and hiking mountain trails. When the snow began to fall I was elated. The snow brings out the kid in me. I have a terrible cold but I didn't care. I couldn't wait to go outside.

    Mandy was already up and the coffee was brewed when I walked into the living room. We sat in our chairs drinking coffee and taking in the fresh blanket of white. Beautiful! We bundled up and went on a morning walk with the dogs. We were the first to make tracks as we left the drive. Nobody else appeared to be awake. As our boots squeaked on the dry powder the dogs, acting much more like puppies than grey muzzled adults, ran and played in the drifts. I guess the snow brings out the pup in all old dogs. We walked through the neighborhood and out on the dock at the resort. All around us was a winter wonderland. Geese and ducks swam in  pools of  water as others walked the edge of the frozen lake.

School had been cancelled and our daughter stayed the night at a friend's house so at 11:30 I rode a sled over to pick her up. I could have drove and I could have walked but as I said, snow seldom stays here for long. The forecast calls for snow throughout the day today and tomorrow. The temperature is suppose to stay in the low twenties. Rain is predicted for Sunday but we are hoping the weatherman is wrong.

     With the fun that the snow brings also comes the problems at work. Water pipes are freezing and breaking. The machines are not running well. Management ordered 24 hour coverage until Wednesday morning so I got moved to the graveyard shift. I will go to work at 7pm tonight. Bummer!!! I will make it through the night tonight but I am pretty sure that tomorrow this cold will get the best of me and I will be forced to call in sick. I will be sure to put on a good act tonight so the authenticity of my claim will not be questioned. I will go back to work Sunday night like a good boy but let's face it, even the good have to be bad once in a while. Life is not about work. Work simply pays for the living of life. I am all for the living. Todd

I don't feel well.

Gee I wonder why. I had my infusion last week.
I thought maybe I was getting sick from the cancer. As it turns out I am sick from the cancer medication. Cancer Sucks!

The following side effects are associated with pamidronate IV:

Common side effects of pamidronate IV:

High Blood Pressure	Severe
Escape of Fluid into the Lungs	Severe
Bone Pain	Severe
Low Amount of Magnesium in the Blood	Severe
Low Amount of Calcium in the Blood	Severe
Water Retention	Severe
Low Amount of Potassium in the Blood	Severe
Acute Infection of the Nose, Throat or Sinus	Less Severe
Inflammation of the Nose	Less Severe
Sinus Irritation and Congestion	Less Severe
Incomplete or Infrequent Bowel Movements	Less Severe
Urinary Tract Infection	Less Severe
Joint Damage causing Pain and Loss of Function	Less Severe
Joint Pain	Less Severe
Muscle Pain	Less Severe
Chronic Trouble Sleeping	Less Severe
Fever	Less Severe
Low Energy	Less Severe
Pain	Less Severe
Loss of Appetite	Less Severe
Head Pain	Less Severe
Trouble Breathing	Less Severe
Cough	Less Severe
Abnormal Respiratory Sound	Less Severe
Feel Like Throwing Up	Less Severe
Throwing Up	Less Severe
Stomach Cramps	Less Severe
Infection due to the Candida Fungus	Less Severe
Signs and Symptoms at Injection Site	Less Severe
Feeling Weak	Less Severe
Low Amount of Phosphate in the Blood	Less Severe
Anemia	Less Severe
Low Level of Granulocytes in the Blood	Less Severe
Anxious	Less Severe

Infrequent side effects of pamidronate IV:

Visible Water Retention	Severe
Fast Heartbeat	Severe
Painful, Red or Swollen Mouth	Less Severe
Indigestion	Less Severe
Symptoms from Chronic Kidney Failure	Less Severe
Muscle Stiffness	Less Severe
Drowsiness	Less Severe
Chills	Less Severe
Diarrhea	Less Severe
Mental Disorder with Loss of Normal Personality & Reality	Less Severe

Rare side effects of pamidronate IV:

Inflammation of the Iris - the Colored Part of the Eyeball	Severe
Inflammation of the Uvea of the Eye	Severe
Lung Tissue Problems	Severe
Inflammation of the White Outer Coat of the Eye	Severe
Aseptic Necrosis of Jaw Bone	Severe
Focal Segmental Glomerulosclerosis	Severe
Fracture of Femur Thigh Bone	Severe
Inflammation of the Orbit Outer Eye Structure	Severe
Atrial Flutter	Severe
Heart Failure	Severe
Abnormally Low Blood Pressure	Severe
Adult Respiratory Distress Syndrome	Severe
Bleeding of the Stomach or Intestines	Severe
Interstitial Nephritis	Severe
Feeling Faint	Severe
Life Threatening Allergic Reaction	Severe
Giant Hives	Severe

TGIF

No, I am not running out of things to talk about. At least I don't think I am. So far this year has been mundane. I know we are only 3 weeks into the year but last year was such a whirlwind and we got so use to traveling that it seems like we are standing still at the moment. Maybe that is a good thing. 

    I had a bit of a scare tonight. Since starting Zytiga my weight has been dropping off at a steady pace. I actually lost weight on a cruise ship.  The weight loss seems to have stabilized at 150 pounds and over the last couple of weeks I actually put five pounds back on. Tonight when I stepped on the scale it read 144.2. I had lost 8 pounds in a week. As it turns out the battery in the scale was almost dead. After replacing the battery I was pleased to see the number was 153.8. That  made Mandy and I feel a whole lot better. Monday is P.S.A. and pomindranate infusion day. I liked it a lot better when I was only having blood tests every three months. It is just a little too much stress to deal with every single month. My doctor comes in and does a quick once over and listens to my lungs and says see you next month. Sometimes I feel like a number. 

    Over the last three weeks I worked every day but one. My two week check had 164 hours on it. I am really looking forward to having a couple of days off. I will finish the rest of this post tomorrow night. I am going to spend a little time with Mandy and Michaela.

   Saturday:

   Today was a great day. Mandy and I slept in and then after morning coffee went for a walk down by the lake before returning to fix breakfast. After breakfast we went to town for a few things. When we got back we went for an eight mile bike ride. Afterward, I pressure washed the driveway while Mandy and Michaela shot hoops. It was good to just be home. The weather in Washington has been mild and dry. It has really been a strange winter. There is no snow. The snowmobiles are sitting on the trailer ready to go. I hope we get some snow soon. The reservoirs depend on the spring snow melt to fill them up. If we don't get some snow soon there is a good chance that the boat will be in the garage most of the summer. After dinner we went to Michaelas basketball game and then took her and her date to the dance. While they were at the dance, Mandy and I watched 42 the Jackie Roninson story. It was a very relaxing night.  Tomorrow we will kayak on the lake and spend another day relaxing and recharging our batteries. It feels good just to chillax once and a while.  I guess I really got use to my rock star status. It was fun. It was exciting. Now I am just bored.  Maybe I am running out of things to talk about. It would really suck to have to talk about cancer. I am sure I will have something to talk about on Tuesday when my bloodwork comes back. Until then . Todd

  

I need more bullets

   Imagine if you will, I guy out in the wilderness on a hike or what have you. Maybe he is out bird hunting. He has a shotgun and a small caliber side arm and nothing more. On his hunt he encounters a wounded grizzly bear who is hungry and unable to feed himself in the usual way. The bear sees the guy and charges determined to make the guy a meal. The guy knows he is toast but survival instincts tell him to throw everything he can at the bear. He starts shooting and although he hits the bear 5 times with his pistol the bear keeps coming. He has one bullet left and his shotgun.
   The bear in this story is Prostate cancer and I am the guy. The bullets are treatments that will not kill the bear but will slow it down. Sooner or later the bear is going to eat me and I am running out of bullets. Maybe there is more ammo in my backpack but I don't know that.
   I started this journey on Lupron and Casodex. They were my first two bullets and they slowed down the bear considerably. After some time, (18 months ) the Casodex simply quit working and actually enraged the bear. Lupron in and of itself kept the bear at bay for three more years. My next shot was D.E.S. and it stunned the bear momentarily but the bear kept coming. Time for another shot. Provenge stopped the bear for a year and it was an arterial wound. Although the bear is still bleeding, it keeps on charging only now he is not charging so fast. My next shot is Zytiga and it is another good shot. The bear has stopped but for how long. He has backed off a bit and seems to want to rest but he is still standing. He is still there. He is waiting. I have one more bullet in my gun. Xtandi is advertized to be a wonderful drug. My shotgun sits at the ready. It is loaded with Taxotere and Jevtana. Will it stop the bear or simply make it angry. I need more bullets. There are some in my pack but they are unproven. Damn!!!
   I know that I am going to be a meal. I know that with the weapons at hand I cannot kill the bear. It's going to hurt to be eaten alive. It is going to be slow and painful. I am not afraid. I am going to go down fighting. Why did I have to go on this stupid Hike? Is there anyone near me who has a bigger Gun? Damn!!!
   I still have one shot left in my pistol. I don't want to use the shotgun. I am afraid it will only anger the bear and motivate it to finish the job. It will be my weapon of last resort. I must look for the unproven ammunition. Which one might work. There are so many. Each shot buys me time to find another. I must keep shooting. My wife, my children, my grandchildren need me. Stupid Bear!!!
   Next Monday I must go for my monthly blood work to be approved for the next round of Zytiga. For the last 5 months the bear has been walking away from me. The more time that passes the more nervous I get that the stunned bear will once again resume it's charge. Perhaps I worry for no reason. At this point, and judging from my past experience with Androgen Deprivation, there is no reason to believe that the bear will be coming back in the short term but still, he is out there and each day brings me closer to another encounter. I hate the bear. I want him dead. I no longer want to live a month at a time. I want a big gun.
                                                                                  Todd