Wednesday, August 7, 2013

Same journey

Today I begin a new journey in my battle with prostate cancer. I spent two hours with my oncologist yesterday. We discussed Provenge and my rising psa. His opinion is that the drug is still working. He is of the opinion that the drug will continue to work for the rest of my life. We were both discouraged by my rapidly rising prostate-specific antigen level. Psa. No matter how you look at it a rising PSA Is indicative of Disease progression. We both felt that A change in treatment was in order. Today I will pick up my prescription of Zytiga and prednisone. Today I will begin a new journey in this fight. I feel as though the odds are in my favor and that this new drug will do as it is advertised to do. My question is " why am I so sad"? Why is it that in my heart I feel as though this is the beginning of the end? I am usually so positive. For some reason my kick ass and take names attitude has taken a hit. It appears that there is a chink in the armor. I hope that this is a temporary condition. I hope that once I have started on this new drug and see how well it works that's my attitude will rebound. At present this sadness is overwhelming. I love my life. I lead a very active lifestyle and I am NOT ready for that to end. Will the side effects of the new medication be debilitating? Will I still be able to ski and water ski and hunt and fish and hike and kayak? Will I still be able to mountain bike? Will I once again lose my recently found libido? Will I still be able to work effectively at the job that provides the lifestyle we lead? I have all of these questions and so many insecurities about our future . I feel lost at sea battered by wind and wave. I know where my safe harbor lies and yet it remains out of reach.
   Today I am at work. I am 3 hours into my day and yet I have accomplished nothing. I wish the day would end. I wish I could just be home. My doctor told me he wished with all his heart that I didn't have to work at a place like this. His opinion is that my work place is a hostile environment. He feels that I am exposed to too many toxins and chemicals on a daily basis. he is not surprised that I have a permanent cough. he feels that although I have lung metastases they are too small to be causing respiratory problems. My reply to him was that may be true but how can I justify leaving a job that pays as well as mine does. I explained to him that I would like to retire on a disability. He only laughed. He said that people would take one look at me and there was no way that I would qualify for Social Security disability. bummer. Stage 4 terminal cancer and I don't qualify for disability. and yet there are people out there who screwed their brain up on drugs and they qualify as disabled. What a joke. I would laugh but it hurts too much and I am quite certain that it would send me into a coughing fit. I have so much more to say but at the moment my thoughts have become muddled. I hope that those of you who read my blog are enjoying it. please feel free to share it with anyone you think it might do good. Todd

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