Tuesday, September 17, 2013

Reality

Lately I don't sleep. My mind doesn't allow it. When my bladder wakes me returning to sleep is unlikely. When I do sleep it is restless. The Zytiga is causing extreme hot flashes and night sweats. I think about getting sleeping pills but I take too many pills.
    Mandy and I have a travel trailer.  We bought it new three and a half years ago.  We financed it and in all this time we have never been late. The problem with having the trailer is that we also have a boat. We can't tow both at the same time. Last weekend we went to the r.v. show and found the answer to our problems. We found a really nice cab-over camper that would pair nicely with our Dodge truck. Our credit was approved as long as our trailer has a good trade in value. We can most likely pick it up next weekend. At 1:47a.m. last night reality hit me like a truck. I may not live long enough to pay it off. All I could think about for the next two hours was how can I get out of debt. How can I provide Mandy with any kind of security if my death bankrupts her. I promised her thirty years but it has only been 87 months and I am already on Zytiga. What if it fails quickly? How many more drugs are there? The truth is that I may have made a promise that I cannot keep. I need to get out of debt but that is impossible. We make decent money but we bought so many things. I am not a fan of reality. So each night I struggle to fall asleep and hope that the alarm will wake me. It never does. I am haunted by an overwhelming sense of dread. I am not worried for my life. Although I would love to live a long life I am not afraid of it ending. My fear is for those I leave behind.
    I still have high hopes that my Provenge therapy 16 months ago will keep this crap in check for many years to come.
   I need a plan. I really need a plan. Even if I live another couple decades how much longer will I be able to punish my body doing the type of work that I do.

I think trading our trailer in on a camper is out of the question!!

I am so bummed out. Todd