Wednesday, October 16, 2013

I don't know how to fix it

Lupron is a blessing and a curse. Combine it with Zytiga and it is even more so.
   I love my wife. She is my world
I would do anything for her. I am failing and I have no idea how to fix it.
   I participate in an online forum for prostate cancer patients. We are a unique mix of men who fight this disease on many fronts. There are those who are most likely cured. They are the ones I envy the most. The talk of dealing with side effects and worry about when they are going to regain sexual function and continence.  They complain that their equipment is smaller than it use to be. Most eventually move on after recovery logging in only to annouce a normal psa or to say  hello. Some find a unique kinship with others on the board and stay to help the others who find the site at a very scary time in their lives.
   There is also a group of caregivers who are rocks. (it is not just men who find the board) They are amazing in courage and strength.
   There are older gentleman who have non aggressive cancer and have opted for watchful waiting as a treatment plan. They support each other. They are a great bunch of men.
   There are radiation guys, brachy guys, and a host of others, all fighting the beast and cheering each other on.
   I belong to the young guys with advanced disease. Surgery and radiation are not options. We get the drugs. Hormones,  Provenge,  chemo. We hope the available drugs work until a new one comes along. The word "Cure " is not part of our vocabulary.  It is something we dream about and hope for. It is Santa Clause, the Easter Bunny, an honest Lawyer, and a morally sound politician, rolled into one. We discuss treatment options, side effects, and precious time. We speak of hope.
   Most of us are on hormone therapy. We will be for the remainder of our lives. It robs us of our body hair our masculinity and most important, our sexuality.  Erectile disfunction medicine can make the equipment work but there is nothing that can replace our libido ( desire)  that will not cause the cancer to spread. It is not a big deal to us. We are like casterated dogs. Something is missing but it doesn't really bother us. It does however affect those who love us and still desire us. It is hardest on them. They are the true victims. The sex can still hapen but we men rarely think of it. It leaves our wives feeling empty,unloved, undesired. My wife is dying inside and I do not know how to fix it. At times I wish I would die so she could have a full life. Today I am sad. Todd