Last night I slept like a baby. It didn't matter that I didn't know the results of my P.S.A. test. It only mattered that I had it drawn
   I had to call three times to get a hold of anyone to give me the results and when the receptionist had to transfer me to an R.N. I knew it was up but how far up? I was on pins and needles waiting. Finally she came on the line and told me it was 9.55. That is up from 6.86 but not up too much. I am happy. What does it mean? Well it means that it took 4 months for the number to rise 40%. Last year my P.S.A. was doubling every 6 weeks. It means that the Provenge is working. I am going to stop taking my daily Casodex today. It may very well be the reason for my rise in PSA.
   Some people might think this is bad news. It most definitely is not bad news. My PSA started at over 3200 7 years ago. 9.55 with a plan of action is nothing more than a bump in the road.
   My grandpa was diagnosed with PCa. in his early 60's. He lived to be 91 and died of something else. He was a wonderful man. He and my grandma were married 60+ years. I miss them both. Grandma passed away of lung cancer at the age of 89. She had quit smoking in her early 50's. I asked what caused grammas cancer and the doc said smoking. Wow!!!
   I am going to log off for tonight. I am tired and I need to shower. I hope you are enjoying this. Please leave a comment if you want. I would love to hear your opinions. Goodnight.

Well I sucked it up and visited the vampires and had a p.s.a. drawn. I haven't been sleeping real good as of late.My mind is playing games with me. I wake up and worry then I can't get back to sleep. Anyway that's all for today. Todd

In June of 2011 I became hormone refractory. My metastasis was growing and my P.S.A. rising despite being on Hormone therapy. My H.M.O. was offering very little in the way of options. I had decided that I wanted Provenge therapy. Kaiser Permanente denied to cover the cost of the treatments. Not to be detoured I appealed to the State of Washington and won. This coming Monday, June 1st marks the 1 year anniversary of my Provenge treatment. I should have had a P.S.A. test a month ago but I have been putting it off. I almost stopped and had blood drawn today but I just came home instead. I get so sick of cancer. I just want to not have to think about it for a while. I have no idea what to expect as far as my latest numbers. The last one was up a little but just a little. If it is up again I will have to stop taking casodex and it will go back down for a while. I want it to be down or even the same as last time.

I subscribe to a online support group. The people there are great. I love those guys but most of them just don't get it. Some do. They are guys like me who statistically will die of this disease and not with it. I realize that a guy hears cancer and it freaks him out but I get so tired of all the wining of guys who have beaten this disease. I am sorry they struggle with E.D. and bladder control really I am but mostly I just want to scream . I would give anything to be one of them.

What will it be like to breath my last?. Will it hurt?. What is on the other side.? I have faith that I know but what if I am wrong?. I guess the lights just go out.  Sometimes I lay awake at night with these thoughts on my mind. I don't cry. I feel no self pity. It is what it is. We all must go through that door one day. I just get better seats. BUT NOT TODAY AND NOT TOMORROW.

When my beautiful wonderful girlfriend married me, I promised her 30 years. Failure is not an option. We celebrate 6 years in 2 weeks. She is the very best that I have ever known. 30 years will not be enough.
I have 6 granddaughters. I will dance at all of their weddings.


The rain is still falling. The world is grey. Winter and the grey cold wet Washington springs are hard on me. I hope the Sun shines soon.

http://www.provenge.com/video-treatment-stories.aspx             


Click on the above link to see my story. Scroll down and click on Todd's story.

Its almost 10pm. I think the hardest part of having this disease is the effect it has on my wife. Prior to my diagnosis I was head over heals in love with a girl I had met 6 months earlier. When I got the news I expected her to bail. It was a new relationship and I would have understood. She didn't sign up for this. I guess she must have been in love with me too. She married me a year later. I know it is hard on her. I wish things were different. I wish I could make her feel beautiful and attractive. It is a trade off. The drugs that keep me alive rob our marriage of most of its passion. I hope they cure this stuff someday. I wish it with all my heart. I love the line in a knights tale. " I wish it with all the pieces of my heart" I am a sucker for a good love story. Nickolas Sparks is my wife's favorite author. I get to see all the movies. I cry at them all. lol I blame it on the Hormone Therapy. My daughter caught my crying at a movie a year ago and threatened to revoke my man card. So funny. The thing is, I see nothing wrong with being soft hearted. This disease and facing my own mortality has taught me that life  (all life) is a beautiful gift. I just see things so much different than I use to. Having cancer is the single best thing that ever happened to me. I use to go through life without noticing the wonder of it all. I never really lived my life until I thought I was going to lose it. I am terminal.... aren't we all? I use to wonder what it would feel like to die. Sometimes I still do. Not today!

What a great day

The title of this blog is living with prostate cancer with the focus being on the living. To that end yesterday my sweetheart and I drove north to Olympia to the farmers market and on the way back we rode an 11 mile rail trail on our bicycles. It was a great day. Today we will be going kayaking on the lake at the end of our street. I have an amazing wonderful life. Days like today and yesterday make me forget all about the cancer

A new world

Okay, so I was just told the end is near. Lets just say that I have had better days. The worst part was I didn't have any options. I was 42 years old and had just been told that I only had a year to live. I felt so ripped off.Surgery, not possible. Radiation.... nope. My doctor gave me two options. Castration or Androgen Deprivation Therapy otherwise known as hormone therapy. I opted for the latter and received my first lupron shot and my first cassodex pill that afternoon. I am certain that most who read this blog will understand what this kind of therapy does but for those who do not it works like this. Testosterone causes Prostate cancer to grow. It is the fuel for the fire. A.D.T. causes your body to shut down the production of testosterone thus robbing the cancer of food. It is not the most pleasant of treatments but it often can extend the life of a man suffering from advanced prostate cancer and can even put the cancer into remission. 


 

I live in a semi rural part of Washington State. Two miles from town the houses yield to dense forests and tree farms. On my way home that day I drove up an old dirt road and parked on a landing overlooking a recently logged hillside. From my vantage point I could see the valley below for miles. It was there that it all came to a head for me and I broke. Just a few tears at first sort of a 'poor me' cry but it grew to a heart wrenching sob. I cried for my mistakes and for the broken promises. I cried for my children and my parents. I cried for the people I had hurt and the ones I had let down. I cried for me and I cried because I had never felt more alone and lost. What was it going to be like to take my last breath. Would it hurt. Dear God I don't want to die there is so much left undone and so much I want to see. An hour later it was over. I had no more tears. I was both cleansed and spent. I sat for a while and took in all that was around me. I heard the birds. Gosh they sounded pretty. It was then that it happened.
A black bear wanders up the hillside and stops 20 ft from me and just looks at me. I have hunted wild game my whole life and had never seen a bear in the wild. I had always wanted to see one but never had. Maybe I smelled bad or made too much noise in the woods I really don't know but here is this bear just looking at me. After a minute he just wandered off. I went home and read my bible for the first time in a long time. I didn't know what I was going to read other than I wanted to read the Book of Psalms because its full of praise God this and that and I figured I needed that. I opened the book to psalms and closed my eyes and pointed and looked above my finger and for the very first time I read these words. "Bless the lord oh my soul. He who heals my body of all its diseases." Psalms 103 WOW!!!!!!!!!!! That was good enough for me.

It has now been seven years. and I have been so blessed. The love of my life married me a year later. I am happy and I wake up every day and live it for all it is worth. I have many stories yet to come. I hope that in writing this others will be encouraged. That is all for today. I hope I get the hang of this, Todd
   

In August of 2005 I had decided to commit suicide. I failed, but not for lack of trying. I had been addicted to methamphetamine for the 3 previous years and had literally lost everything  I ever valued. At the time of my failed attempt I was living in a garage. That failed attempt taught me that perhaps God had other plans for me and that I really did want to live. I packed up what few belongings I had left and moved, telling nobody where I was going. That was the last day I ever used. In June of 2006 I was only just beginning to get my life back. I was in love. I was happy. Things were going very well. I had been tired. I didn't have much of an appetite and I was struggling with sciatica.  I also had a nasty cough that would not go away. In my gut I knew something was wrong but like a lot of guys I just ignored it and hoped it would go away. It didn't. In fact things got worse. I started peeing blood and knew I had to go to the doctor.
   I went to the Doctor on the 4th of June, 2006. He listened to my chest, noted I had a lot of blood in my urine and ordered some blood tests and a chest x-ray. When I was sitting in the exam room with the door open I saw the lights to the x-ray viewer come on and stuck my head out to have a look. What I saw terrified me. Both of my lungs looked like Chester Cheetah. They were literally covered with small tumors. My Doctor knew it was bad and told me he was worried for me but he did not have an answer for me for two more days. On June 6th while I was at work on a catwalk 200 feet in the air my cell phone rang. It was my Doctor and what he said changed my life.
   It is interesting to me that one of the top country songs that year was Tim McGraw, "Live Like You Were Dying". I guess it strikes me as ironic. I was in my early 40's with a lot of life before me. When a moment (phone call ) came that stopped me on a dime.
  "Mr. Seals this is Doctor Luh " Normally Mr. Seals I would not tell you this over the phone but the gravity of the situation requires urgent and decisive action." Mr Seals, I am afraid that you Have Cancer and Blahblahblahblahblah" Cancer was the last word that I heard. Nothing else mattered to me. I was going to die. I had a P.S.A. of over 3200 I had metastasis everywhere and I was given a year to live. So much for getting my life back together.


There is much more I want to write about the history leading up to this blog but it will have to wait until tomorrow. Baby Steps.

Introduction

I was told I should write this down. I am not a writer so I must apologize now. I have terminal stage 4 prostate cancer. Seven years ago I was told I had a year to live. Seems funny now. I was 42 years old and I was going to die of an old mans disease. This disease has changed my life both for the good and the bad. I must admit however that it has been mostly for the good. My story is a long one and it will take many more posts than what I am willing to write tonight. Also, this is my first attempt at blogging so any and all critic ( be gentle as I have been on female hormones for seven years ) will be appreciated. So anyway, my name is Todd and this is my story.
   I will never forget the date or the call. It was June 06, 2006. The call was from my Doctor.