In June of 2011 I became hormone refractory. My metastasis was growing and my P.S.A. rising despite being on Hormone therapy. My H.M.O. was offering very little in the way of options. I had decided that I wanted Provenge therapy. Kaiser Permanente denied to cover the cost of the treatments. Not to be detoured I appealed to the State of Washington and won. This coming Monday, June 1st marks the 1 year anniversary of my Provenge treatment. I should have had a P.S.A. test a month ago but I have been putting it off. I almost stopped and had blood drawn today but I just came home instead. I get so sick of cancer. I just want to not have to think about it for a while. I have no idea what to expect as far as my latest numbers. The last one was up a little but just a little. If it is up again I will have to stop taking casodex and it will go back down for a while. I want it to be down or even the same as last time.
I subscribe to a online support group. The people there are great. I love those guys but most of them just don't get it. Some do. They are guys like me who statistically will die of this disease and not with it. I realize that a guy hears cancer and it freaks him out but I get so tired of all the wining of guys who have beaten this disease. I am sorry they struggle with E.D. and bladder control really I am but mostly I just want to scream . I would give anything to be one of them.
What will it be like to breath my last?. Will it hurt?. What is on the other side.? I have faith that I know but what if I am wrong?. I guess the lights just go out. Sometimes I lay awake at night with these thoughts on my mind. I don't cry. I feel no self pity. It is what it is. We all must go through that door one day. I just get better seats. BUT NOT TODAY AND NOT TOMORROW.
When my beautiful wonderful girlfriend married me, I promised her 30 years. Failure is not an option. We celebrate 6 years in 2 weeks. She is the very best that I have ever known. 30 years will not be enough.
I have 6 granddaughters. I will dance at all of their weddings.
The rain is still falling. The world is grey. Winter and the grey cold wet Washington springs are hard on me. I hope the Sun shines soon.
Click on the above link to see my story. Scroll down and click on Todd's story.