Thursday, May 23, 2013

In August of 2005 I had decided to commit suicide. I failed, but not for lack of trying. I had been addicted to methamphetamine for the 3 previous years and had literally lost everything  I ever valued. At the time of my failed attempt I was living in a garage. That failed attempt taught me that perhaps God had other plans for me and that I really did want to live. I packed up what few belongings I had left and moved, telling nobody where I was going. That was the last day I ever used. In June of 2006 I was only just beginning to get my life back. I was in love. I was happy. Things were going very well. I had been tired. I didn't have much of an appetite and I was struggling with sciatica.  I also had a nasty cough that would not go away. In my gut I knew something was wrong but like a lot of guys I just ignored it and hoped it would go away. It didn't. In fact things got worse. I started peeing blood and knew I had to go to the doctor.
   I went to the Doctor on the 4th of June, 2006. He listened to my chest, noted I had a lot of blood in my urine and ordered some blood tests and a chest x-ray. When I was sitting in the exam room with the door open I saw the lights to the x-ray viewer come on and stuck my head out to have a look. What I saw terrified me. Both of my lungs looked like Chester Cheetah. They were literally covered with small tumors. My Doctor knew it was bad and told me he was worried for me but he did not have an answer for me for two more days. On June 6th while I was at work on a catwalk 200 feet in the air my cell phone rang. It was my Doctor and what he said changed my life.
   It is interesting to me that one of the top country songs that year was Tim McGraw, "Live Like You Were Dying". I guess it strikes me as ironic. I was in my early 40's with a lot of life before me. When a moment (phone call ) came that stopped me on a dime.
  "Mr. Seals this is Doctor Luh " Normally Mr. Seals I would not tell you this over the phone but the gravity of the situation requires urgent and decisive action." Mr Seals, I am afraid that you Have Cancer and Blahblahblahblahblah" Cancer was the last word that I heard. Nothing else mattered to me. I was going to die. I had a P.S.A. of over 3200 I had metastasis everywhere and I was given a year to live. So much for getting my life back together.

There is much more I want to write about the history leading up to this blog but it will have to wait until tomorrow. Baby Steps.