Friday, May 24, 2013

A new world

Okay, so I was just told the end is near. Lets just say that I have had better days. The worst part was I didn't have any options. I was 42 years old and had just been told that I only had a year to live. I felt so ripped off.Surgery, not possible. Radiation.... nope. My doctor gave me two options. Castration or Androgen Deprivation Therapy otherwise known as hormone therapy. I opted for the latter and received my first lupron shot and my first cassodex pill that afternoon. I am certain that most who read this blog will understand what this kind of therapy does but for those who do not it works like this. Testosterone causes Prostate cancer to grow. It is the fuel for the fire. A.D.T. causes your body to shut down the production of testosterone thus robbing the cancer of food. It is not the most pleasant of treatments but it often can extend the life of a man suffering from advanced prostate cancer and can even put the cancer into remission. 


I live in a semi rural part of Washington State. Two miles from town the houses yield to dense forests and tree farms. On my way home that day I drove up an old dirt road and parked on a landing overlooking a recently logged hillside. From my vantage point I could see the valley below for miles. It was there that it all came to a head for me and I broke. Just a few tears at first sort of a 'poor me' cry but it grew to a heart wrenching sob. I cried for my mistakes and for the broken promises. I cried for my children and my parents. I cried for the people I had hurt and the ones I had let down. I cried for me and I cried because I had never felt more alone and lost. What was it going to be like to take my last breath. Would it hurt. Dear God I don't want to die there is so much left undone and so much I want to see. An hour later it was over. I had no more tears. I was both cleansed and spent. I sat for a while and took in all that was around me. I heard the birds. Gosh they sounded pretty. It was then that it happened.
A black bear wanders up the hillside and stops 20 ft from me and just looks at me. I have hunted wild game my whole life and had never seen a bear in the wild. I had always wanted to see one but never had. Maybe I smelled bad or made too much noise in the woods I really don't know but here is this bear just looking at me. After a minute he just wandered off. I went home and read my bible for the first time in a long time. I didn't know what I was going to read other than I wanted to read the Book of Psalms because its full of praise God this and that and I figured I needed that. I opened the book to psalms and closed my eyes and pointed and looked above my finger and for the very first time I read these words. "Bless the lord oh my soul. He who heals my body of all its diseases." Psalms 103 WOW!!!!!!!!!!! That was good enough for me.

It has now been seven years. and I have been so blessed. The love of my life married me a year later. I am happy and I wake up every day and live it for all it is worth. I have many stories yet to come. I hope that in writing this others will be encouraged. That is all for today. I hope I get the hang of this, Todd