Sunday, May 26, 2013

Its almost 10pm. I think the hardest part of having this disease is the effect it has on my wife. Prior to my diagnosis I was head over heals in love with a girl I had met 6 months earlier. When I got the news I expected her to bail. It was a new relationship and I would have understood. She didn't sign up for this. I guess she must have been in love with me too. She married me a year later. I know it is hard on her. I wish things were different. I wish I could make her feel beautiful and attractive. It is a trade off. The drugs that keep me alive rob our marriage of most of its passion. I hope they cure this stuff someday. I wish it with all my heart. I love the line in a knights tale. " I wish it with all the pieces of my heart" I am a sucker for a good love story. Nickolas Sparks is my wife's favorite author. I get to see all the movies. I cry at them all. lol I blame it on the Hormone Therapy. My daughter caught my crying at a movie a year ago and threatened to revoke my man card. So funny. The thing is, I see nothing wrong with being soft hearted. This disease and facing my own mortality has taught me that life  (all life) is a beautiful gift. I just see things so much different than I use to. Having cancer is the single best thing that ever happened to me. I use to go through life without noticing the wonder of it all. I never really lived my life until I thought I was going to lose it. I am terminal.... aren't we all? I use to wonder what it would feel like to die. Sometimes I still do. Not today!