Saturday, July 20, 2013

Head Games

In the quiet hours I hear voices. Not the schizophrenic kind. I hear the voice of  fear. I hear the voice of doubt. They play games in my head. What is it like to die? Does it hurt? Has it happened before? Is there a heaven? SILENCE! I am sick. I may die. Not Today!
  If you hear those doubts in your head you are not alone. With me it is a constant struggle. I maintain may sanity with statistics. It is so funny because when I fired my first doctor I told him I am not a statistic.
If I were a statistic I would have died six years ago. The best of the best in the medical field can cite statistics but cancer is truly a disease of the individual. No doctor can tell you how long you will live. It seems so ironic to me that we never think much about death until we get sick and yet we are all terminal. No one is guaranteed anything more than the breath we just inhaled. Then one day we face the reality of our immortality. We have an expiration date. Damn!


I think about my life a lot. I want to do so many more things. I always thought I would have time. If I have a message to those who cannot see that they also will one day expire it would be "stop wasting your days". I know that I never truly started to live until I thought I was going to die. I am not saying that I wasted my first 42 years but the truth of the matter is that I, like so many others, took my life for granted. I no longer do that but I know I can still do better. I can give more back. I can love with all my heart. I can be a better man. I can be a better friend. I hope I have a lot more time but I don't know that I will.
   When I hear those voices now, I make friends with them. Todd